Note to Conservative Christians: Your God Is Kind of a Dick:
One of the only differences between contemporary times and ancient ones regarding religion is that, back in the day, people worshiped different gods. Instead of being followers of Apollo or Bacchus or Athena, now, with our oh-so-advanced brains, we just have a single god for Christianity who is capable of all-embracing love for one sect and all-consuming hatred for another. And, if you're a fundamentalist of any stripe, that God's really just a total dickhead:
1. In its increasing effort to be America's most-loathed inbred idiots, the piles of shit from the Westboro Baptist Church have declared that, like fags, God also hates Elizabeth Edwards and, as a result, said piles of shit will be protesting her funeral on Saturday. To teach the Edwards family a lesson, according to the inbreds, God killed their child: "When they were visited from the Most High God with the death of their 16-year-old son, they did not humble themselves before His mighty hand." Since we're just making shit up about what a fictional character thinks, how about this: God wants the Westboro Baptist Church to commit mass suicide in order to demonstrate how much they love him. The next move is yours, Phelps family.
(You know, as long as the CIA is targeting U.S. citizens for assassination, could we just thin the herd around here a bit? No one would even notice.)
2. Apparently, according to the Family Research Council (motto: "No, really, we believe in a God that has time for the shit we care about"), God is all about preventing cloture on votes in the Senate. See, under a secret nom de rude, the Rude Pundit is part of the FRC's Super-Duper Prayer Team, and every week we get our prayeroplasty orders from on high. The most recent email of God's love has said we gotta get on our knees and face Jesus's crotch to stop the repeal of Don't Ask, Don't Tell. "May God's people cry out to Him to stop the introduction of open homosexuality into our fighting forces," we're told. "May conservative Senators vote against any motion to proceed and filibuster if necessary and may cloture fail. God protect our troops!"
You know, if the Rude Pundit believed in any kind of invisible sky wizard, he'd probably be telling that magical fucker, "Hey, why dontcha deal with the cholera in Haiti? We're good here grappling with our fucked-up legislative process." Yeah, he'd just feel like a fuckbag for trying to get God to make sure that Robert's Rules of Order are invoked properly or some such shit while, you know, babies are dying.
3. The Rude Pundit's Christmas wish for Bill Donohue of the Catholic League (motto: "We don't have a dental plan for our employees. Isn't that obvious?"): that Jesus and the Pope have a sword fight in his mouth while David Wojnarowicz films it. If his God's gonna be a dick, well, at least there'll be dicks involved.