Family Research Council: God Hates Gays, Doesn't Want Tens of Millions of Americans to Have Health Insurance:
Yessiree, it's time once again for we members of the Family Research Council's Super-Duper Prayer Team to get on our knees and give God a dirty prayerchez. The Rude Pundit joined the Super-Duper Prayer Team a couple of years ago under a nom de rude, and every week, the good preachifyin' people of the Family Research Council (motto: "Vaginas are gross, and we're not real fond of penises, either") send out a list o' shit what needs our prayers.

The latest praynalingus orders tell us to thank the Lord for allowing people to be denied health insurance because of a pre-existing condition: "God has heard our cries and helped us halt the advance of the 'health reform' freight train engineered by President Barack Obama, Nancy Pelosi, Harry Reid and others." Motherfucker works in some mysterious ways, no? Sure, God Almighty oughta be occupyin' his time with, you know, healing the heathen in Haiti, but since he has a few minutes, we gotta implore him, "May any bill that expands socialized medicine in America be defeated!"

The rest of our prayerturbation has to be spent on the gays. For, indeed, there's queer activity afoot, like the legislative effort to ban discrimination in schools because of sexual orientation. The FRC tells the SDPT, "The bill will have the effect of giving special rights and protection to those who practice sexual behaviors that were illegal in many states just seven years ago." Holy Jesus, just seven years ago, we could openly discriminate against gay people for the sin of being gay. Now we can't. That calls for repetition of the word "homosexual" because it sounds scary: "Openly homosexual Representative Jared Polis (D-Colo.) is chief sponsor of the bill, which would give radical homosexual activist Kevin Jennings almost unlimited power to mandate his vision of homosexual indoctrination in schools across America." You may say, "But I don't want my son in high school to be mandated by law to give blow jobs to Kevin Jennings," but that's just what'll happen if the homosexuals and their homosexual hands spread their homosexuality. Homosexual.

Of course, nothing says, "God help us" like the horror of gays in the military. So the invisible sky wizard has to hear us when we beg, "May God, the American people and our service men and women intervene to keep our military from being sexualized by homosexual activists." Because that heterosexuality is working out so well.

Oh, we're given seemingly random bible verses to give holy street cred to our imprecations. Like 1 Chronicles 12:32-33, which reads, "men of Issachar, who understood the times and knew what Israel should do—200 chiefs, with all their relatives under their command/ men of Zebulun, experienced soldiers prepared for battle with every type of weapon, to help David with undivided loyalty-50,000." This is confusing because it doesn't note if the soldiers are gay or not. Surely, not in ancient times. No...umm, are you there God?