Quotes That Make the Rude Pundit Want to Huff Hair Dye and Beard Gel (Refreshingly Free of What's-Her-Name):
1. How about a palate cleansing plate of absurdity? In one of the greatest moments of 24-hour news networks forced banter, Situation Room host Wolf "Behold the Glow of My Resplendent Face Muff" Blitzer and Betty Nguyen held forth on the U.S. Postal Service. Get a friend and read this aloud with as many awkward pauses and confused "can-we-end-this-fucking-segment" smiles as you can manage:
NGUYEN: [M]ail just five days a week? I don't know. Wolf, what do you think?
BLITZER: You know what? I guess Saturday and Sunday -- we don't get on Sunday already.
BLITZER: I could live without the mail on Saturday, if it's going to save $3.8...
NGUYEN: Yes, if it will save some money, right?
BLITZER: If it will save $3.8 billion, that might be worth it.
NGUYEN: I don't know if it will do all that.
BLITZER: I don't think it will.
BLITZER: I was at the post office, bought some first-class -- you know how much a first-class stamp costs, Betty?
NGUYEN: How much is it now, 43, 45 cents?
NGUYEN: Forty-four cents.
BLITZER: Yes, always...
NGUYEN: It seems like it goes up every year.
BLITZER: Bought a little roll of 100.
BLITZER: They're -- they're all self-adhesive now.
NGUYEN: Oh, that's lovely.
BLITZER: That's very good.
Somewhere, Walter Cronkite, already dead, killed himself.
2. From Ann Coulter's latest "column" (if by "column," you mean, "the wracking, phlegm-spewing death cough of a self-mutilating she-beast quickly fading into an acid bath of obscurity and irrelevance"), a look at the qualities of diversity in a nation, re: the shooting at Fort Hood and the upcoming terrorist trials in New York City:
"Never in recorded history has diversity been anything but a problem. Look at Ireland with its Protestant and Catholic populations, Canada with its French and English populations, Israel with its Jewish and Palestinian populations." Yes, whoever forced all those Protestants and Catholics to live together on an island? Wherever did they come from? Oh, fuck, sure, one could waste about a week explaining the thousand things wrong with that paragraph. Or, to put it simply, Ann Coulter has never actually had the word "diversity" defined for her.
She continues, after a few more irrelevant examples, "'Diversity' is a difficulty to be overcome, not an advantage to be sought. True, America does a better job than most at accommodating a diverse population. We also do a better job at curing cancer and containing pollution. But no one goes around mindlessly exclaiming: 'Cancer is a strength!' 'Pollution is our greatest asset!'" She is mocking the notion that "Diversity is a strength," or, to put it another way, "Kill the Muslims."
And then the whole fucking column explodes into a mushroom cloud of bugfuck insanity the likes of which haven't been seen since William Safire kept writing love poems to an invisible marmoset in his later New York Times columns: "Next time you're at a cocktail party, just start saying, 'Chocolate pudding is dramatic irony' from time to time. Eventually other people will start saying it, without anyone bothering to consider whether it makes sense." You get the point? It's a nonsense phrase, like "diversity is a strength."
You don't? No, of course not. Because what you are actually witnessing is the pathetic last heaves of outrage-mongering by Ann Coulter, who is stumbling around like a coke-snorting heiress who's shoved her inheritance up her nose and is begging to still be let past the velvet rope into the club she helped build. She'll be blowing Glenn Beck for appearances any day now.