What Obama Should Say (Rude Version), Part 3:
If, at tonight's debate at Hofstra, John McCain mans up and actually attacks Obama on Bill Ayers, and the Democratic candidate doesn't say, "Goddamn, Johnny Maverick, you don't know what everyone else knows. It's over, motherfucker. Whether you wanna admit it or not, it's over. Put this cocksucker in the history books and scribble down, 'Landslide' next to it, 'cause, unless you find me in bed with a dead white boy, it's finished. Now, you need to decide how you wanna walk to the guillotine. You can go up to that platform, put your head down nice, and accept your fate, go out with a little honor. Or you can be a punk ass bitch and try to run away or cry or punch the guards or piss yourself. But either way, man, your fuckin' stringy-haired head is comin' off.
"You know why you're done? Because everyone's fucking tired of the Vietnam War. Not only that, but the Vietnam War doesn't fucking matter anymore to most of the people in the country. It's passed its political expiration date, motherfucker, and that means your story doesn't matter. And Ayers doesn't matter. None of the same fuckin' arguments hold water. We got our own goddamned war and our own goddamned ripped-up and shattered vets filling the VA hospitals. It means you're not as fuckin' special as you once were, Maverick Man. So shove your bullshit about Ayers up your ass. Forty years ago might not seem like that long to you, but to most people, it's a fuckin' lifetime.
"You lost, man, you lost because all the shit you been shoveling into a giant pile has finally tipped over and covered you in turds. I'll tell you what I'm gonna do. Right here, right now, I'm take out this skull. You see it? You know whose skull it is? It's Ronald Reagan's. And now I'm gonna take out my dick and fuck his skull, right in his eyehole where his lying-ass twinkling eyeballs used to be. Watch me fuck the Gipper's skull, man, watch me turn it into my bony bitch. Damn, that was good fuckin'. And then, once I'm president, I'm gonna get Milton Friedman's skull and fuck the shit out of that. And I'm gonna get William Rehnquist's skull and fuck it. And then I'm gonna get William F. Buckley's skull, even if it's still got meat on it, and I'm gonna fuck it in the mouth. I'm gonna skull fuck all those people who turned this country into a bullshit version of what it was. Shit, I'm gonna fuck Dick Cheney's skull while he's still using it, maybe get Joe Biden to double team it with me, fuckin' his skull until his poisoned fuckin' heart explodes.
"And as for you, Johnny Maverick? No, I won't skull fuck you. But, shit, you're not calling out motherfuckers who say they wanna kill me? What kind of pussy are you? You know we gotta work together. But you're gonna spend a little time suckin' dicks, mine and Biden's, and you can call 'em 'my friends,' 'cause you're gonna know 'em well. See, with 60 Democratic senators, you and Lieberman can form your own party of smug fuckers who have outlived their usefulness.
"Oh, and I'll be sending some badass motherfuckers from my Justice Department to Alaska to fuckin' anal probe and prosecute the fuck out of Little Miss Sarah and her trailer trash husband," then the debate will be worthless.