A. From the Office of the Secretary of WAR, MOTHERFUCKERS!:
In accordance with Secretary of WAR, MOTHERFUCKERS! Pete "Peter" Hegseth's memo from this summer where the Secretary [note: Can we get that changed? Makes me sound like a chick- PH] informed our brave men (and women, for now) in uniform that no one is allowed to "be a pussy," and on wise, medically-sound guidance from Secretary of "Health" and "Human" Services Robert F. Kennedy, Jr., and Dr. Mehmet Oz, who is one of the good Moslems, we will begin testing all male service members at age 30 and over to ensure that the service member's level of the hormone testosterone (T) is acceptable.
Testing procedures:
1. Groups of male service members will sleep in designated barracks the night before testing.
1. Groups of male service members will sleep in designated barracks the night before testing.
2. In the morning, Secretary Hegseth will go around to each bunk prior to service members waking and check to see if each member has an erection. If a service member does not have a full erection, Secretary Hegseth will engage with the service member's penis to bring it to full erection while an assistant times the length of time it takes to achieve full tumescence. Note: Secretary Hegseth requests that, if you wake up during this part of the test, you should continue to pretend you are asleep. AT NO TIME MAKE EYE CONTACT WITH SECRETARY HEGSETH.
3. In groups of three or four, male service members will be brought into a room and asked to masturbate to ejaculation into a provided cup. Secretary Hegseth will be seated in a chair to watch each service member masturbate to ensure proper ejaculation occurs. The Secretary requests that service members only wear a white t-shirt and athletic socks as they enter the room. The Secretary will ask questions about the libidos and sexual activity of service members while they masturbate. Masturbation duration will be timed, with notes made if it take too long or too little time. As with the previous part of the test, DO NOT MAKE EYE CONTACT WITH SECRETARY HEGSETH. THIS IS VERY IMPORTANT.
4. Secretary Hegseth will personally test each semen sample by tasting it. He will be able to tell if the semen contains the correct minimum amount of testosterone by comparing it to the taste of his own semen, which he will provide for himself. Service members must stand at attention right after they have completed ejaculation while the Secretary tastes their semen and comments on various attributes he perceives. Even if Secretary Hegseth asks a direct question, DO NOT MAKE EYE CONTACT WITH HIM. THE SECRETARY PERCEIVES ALL EYE CONTACT AS A THREAT AND MAY ACT ACCORDINGLY.
5. Service members whose T is low will be forced to take regular injections of it in order to improve the service member's masculinity. If a service member refuses to receive the injections, they will be deemed "transgender" and forced to leave military service.
6. Service members whose T is normal will be put back into regular duties.
7. Service members whose T level is above that of Secretary Hegseth's will be assigned to strip nude and oil wrestle the Secretary so he can prove that "You're not so tough." During these nude oil wrestling matches, DO NOT MAKE EYE CONTACT WITH SECRETARY HEGSETH. HE CANNOT BE HELD RESPONSIBLE FOR THE VIOLENCE THAT WILL FOLLOW. THE SECRETARY MAY BE INTOXICATED AND HAS NO IMPULSE CONTROL EVEN ON GOOD DAYS.
8. If a service member defeats Secretary Hegseth at oil wrestling, that service member and his family will be deported. Probably to Liberia.
