In the heady days before he was nominated to be the deputy to FBI Director Kash Patel, who always looks like someone just told him he's got flesh-eating bacteria on his taint, bald, Democrat-despising meatloaf Dan Bongino was telling his podcast audience how the walls hiding those who were protecting the files of monstrous pedophile and sex trafficker and rich Jeffrey Epstein were going to come tumbling down when Donald Trump started huffing and puffing on them.
"The Jeffrey Epstein case is back," he frothed spittily on his Rumble show (Rumble, if you don't know, is the right-wing jerk-off's live streaming service of choice) on February 5 of this year, when Trump was already back in office. He then gleefully ranted something about Barack Obama's "fixer" (everyone is always given some kind of mob-related title): "Let me just give you a little litany and rundown of everything Obama's fixer was involved in fixing and what the hell was she trying to fix with the Jeffrey Epstein scandal? Are there some high level Democrats like the Clintons, who may have needed some stuff to go away with this?" You might look at that and think, "The fuck is this maniac going on about?" And that just means you aren't filling up your poor, overstimulated brain with the worms from the fevered swamp of nutzoid conspiracies, where everyone who opposes Donald Trump is fucking children and some of them are murdering them and drinking their blood and I wish I were making that up but you have to understand how many stupid and crazy people there are in this country right now.
Unlike grifters like, well, everyone on Fox "news," Bongino was a true believer in the Epstein conspiracies. He believed that Epstein was murdered in prison, and he believed in the list of clients Epstein (or his scum-sucking co-trafficker Ghislaine Maxwell) kept and that it contains Bill Clinton, Obama, and an array of "Deep State" players who are trying to bring down his one god, Trump, who he was so fucking sure was going to blow this whole thing sky high and bring hellfire down on the sinners.
Just last year, on September 9, 2024, Bongino repeatedly orgasmed on the air and into his pants describing what Trump said in an interview with some fucking tech bro professor. In that conversation, after Trump insists twice that he never went to Epstein's rape island, Fridman says, "It's just very strange for a lot of people, that the list of clients that went to the island has not been made public." Trump responds, "It's very interesting, isn't it? It probably will be, by the way, probably." And then he says he'll release the list in the weirdest fucking way possible: "I'd be inclined to do the Epstein. I'd have no problem with it." He keeps insisting he isn't involved in a way that makes you think he's totally involved. But this isn't about Trump. It's about Bongino, and this segment is the New Testament.
This is the fucking angel heralding the arrival of Orange Jesus for Bongino. "People are gonna lose their minds if the Epstein client list is revealed," he says, not even trying to hide his elation. A few minutes later, he goes all in on the list: "Folks, the Epstein client list is a huge deal because it speaks to an enormous problem we have in this, in this country. It is that there is a connected class of insiders that feel that they can get away with anything because they can...But the reason the Epstein client list being revealed is so important is because I want you to understand that there is a class of beknighted folks who beknighted themselves in a little round table who are not subjected to the same rules you are...Good folks, you're gonna see a lot of names on that. The Epstein client list, I believe, based on what I've heard from sources and the story I just told you, basically it's gonna rock the political world. There's a reason they're hiding it." And, yes, goddamn, Trump is gonna show it to the world.
If you go through transcripts of Bongino's show, a task I damned myself with, you will see Epstein brought up constantly. Bongino repeats, many times, a story he swears he heard from a valid source, no, really, about Bill Clinton going to the back of Epstein's plane with "young girls." He had an episode in January 2024 with the title "The Epstein Files Reveal the Shocking Truth." The Epstein files, list, coverup, and Trump bringing everyone to justice were a driving force for Bongino, who, it should be said, is a fucking moron, but the motherfucker believed with all his heart.
So imagine how Bongino must have felt when the Department of Justice and the FBI, the government entity he is deputy director of, released a statement about its investigation into their files on Epstein and announced, "This systematic review revealed no incriminating 'client list.'" And I gotta tell ya: thinking about Bongino watching his entire world crumble in front of him, sledgehammered by people he thought were his allies, like Patel and our demigorgon of an Attorney General, Pam Bondi, that shit just makes me laugh. He had to deal with the fact that all these supposed friends who, like him, like Trump, like nausea personified, JD Vance, all who said that the list was real, who claimed they had seen the list, were either lying then or lying now. Bongino had already had the soul-wrecking moment of saying that Epstein killed himself, according to Patel's FBI. Now this. Fuck. I wish someone had recorded it because it would be my new porn.
Imagine it. Imagine when he understood like the rest of us that there are only 2 possibilities for saying there's no list: that there was never a list and he was played and played hard, like everyone in the MAGA movement has been, that he's a rube like the rest of them. Or that his beacon, his one true love, his idol, and his surrogate father Donald Trump is on the list, that Trump fucked kids, and so that list must be disappeared like so many migrants in South Sudan. And that Patel, of all the goddamn people, is good with this.
So he lost his shit. He reportedly blew up in meeting with Bondi and Trump Chief of Staff Susie Wiles and is considering resigning. He didn't show up for work on Friday. Trump claims he still is working for the FBI, but no statement has come from him.
And now Bongino, in a job he isn't remotely qualified for, has to face this reality: He can leave and return to the conspiracy-mongering, with an audience of pissed off, betrayed, potentially ex-MAGA freaks (but still freaks), awaiting a new leader. Or he can stay and, oh, fuck, this is just (chef's kiss) perfect, become part of the loathed Deep State.
This meltdown is everything Bongino deserves.
