An Open Letter to Tucker Carlson Regarding His Opinions on Masks

Dear Tucker,

Can I call you "Tucker"? I don't really care because I'm sure as hell not calling you "Mr. Carlson," like you're the dad of someone I'm fucking back when I was in high school.

Anyways, I don't watch your goddamn show because you're an obnoxious, privileged, powdered pair of ass cheeks whose face veers between "serial killer who ejaculates while he stabs people" to "high school boy feeling a wet pussy for the first time." Mostly, though, I don't watch you because you're a fucking liar. Sure, sure, you fool the Fox "news" rubes: all those shut-ins and elderly people who can be scammed by the crazed pillow dickhead and gun-fellating men who can't get a hard-on to save their pathetic lives. Or marriages. 

But you don't fool me. You've been vaccinated. Motherfucker, you paid goons to knock off old ladies so you could jump the line. You got that shit back in January. You made sure your family got it. And the only people who would say otherwise are liars and fools. And if you said you didn't get vaccinated, I'd want to see a goddamned blood test to prove it. And I know and you know you wear a fucking mask anywhere you go, even though you're vaccinated. You didn't stop wearing them around the Fox "news" offices because you're too much of a little bitch to really stand up to the Man.

I did watch your 10 minute-long vomit of accusations, lies, threats, and more lies that you retched forth on your show, Tucker Carlson Fucking Hates Your Guts, last night. And then I read it because, really, how dick-kicking insane do you have to be to say shit like that, and I wanted to see if I had heard you right. I had.

I heard you say shit like, "America’s so-called public health community united as one to remind us that corona restrictions don’t apply to BLM rioters" back in June, when you know goddamn well that protesters against police murdering Black people wore masks. In fact, those marches were a clear demonstration that masks helped curb the spread of COVID-19 while your orange fuckhead president was prancing around the country, spreading the virus. 

I heard you lie about how people react to those not wearing masks outside. Motherfucker, I walk around New York City, and we wear masks because we're gonna be in crowds, and we wear masks because it's a sign of respect to those who haven't been vaccinated, and I'm not counting your fucking dumbass viewers who refuse to get the shot. We wear masks because even though, as you and your network's cockworms keep saying, COVID is "a virus that 99 percent of us would have survived anyway," it's also a virus that causes permanent damage to a fuckton more people who do survive, and we're still not sure about how it's spread and about the possibilities of variants.

I heard you mock scientists and experts, accusing them of actively trying to control the population. I heard you try to get all bullshit philosophical, saying, "Masks have always been incompatible with a free society. We used to know that. Masks strip people of their identity as individuals. Mask transform people from citizens into drones. They isolate us. They alienate us. They shut us off from one another. They prevent intimacy and human contact. If I can’t see your face, I can’t know you. Masks are for the guilty. They’re signifiers of shame and submission." Are they, though? Because they can also be signifiers that you care about other human beings, something you wouldn't understand.

And I heard you get outraged to the point of hysteria because there are parents who choose to have their kids wear masks when they're outside. I heard you say, "It should be illegal," and I heard you say that if you see a child in a mask outside, "Call the police immediately. Contact child protective services. Keep calling until someone arrives. What you’re seeing is abuse. It’s child abuse, and you’re morally obligated to try to prevent it." And I heard you compare it to your child getting punched in the face by a teacher every day. 

You simpering little ratings whore, you fucktoy of the lowest kind of vermin, you don't know people's lives. You don't know if there are people at their home who can't get vaccinated. You don't know what kinds of sacrifices parents have made. You have decided that liberals are the ones who force-mask their children, and this is a way to attack liberals and maybe even get them assaulted, arrested, and/or harassed. 

Why the fuck do this when we all know you know better? Maybe you're just mad that your fucking kids are at home and you don't have time to fuck Matt Gaetz's hookers or whatever the fuck you do. Maybe someone told you that the way to really go down in media history is to be the biggest cum whore on conservative networks, drinking nutzoid, conspiracy-theorist chowder like it's the blood of Christ. I'd say maybe you actually believe this shit, but, of course, you don't. None of you believe the shit you spew.

You wanna argue about mask mandates? Fine. Let's have that argument. But you don't wanna do that. You wanna make liberals cry by being as irrational as possible while your yahoo hordes of racist morons cheer you on and make life miserable for Anthony Fauci and other scientists.

This is making threats and demanding that police resources be used where no crime is being committed, perhaps leading to violence, perhaps taking the police away from places where they're really needed. 

So do it, motherfucker. Make the phone call. Dial 911 on some mom at a playground. You won't because you know it's illegal to do that shit. You won't because you're the worst kind of bully: one who's too much of a pussy to get your own hands dirty.

I'd tell you to eat shit, but you are shit.

The Rude Pundit