A #MAGA Guide to Understanding Why Separating Children from Their Parents at the Border Is Bad

Let us say, and why not, that you are MAGA hat-sporting, AR-15-toting, illegal immigrant-hating regular ol' supporter of President Donald J. Trump. You've got your proud MAGA wife who loves wearing her "You can grab me by the pussy, Mr. President" t-shirt because it triggers the liberals. You've got a couple of MAGA kids, young 'uns, who love doing what MAGA Mama and MAGA Daddy say and chanting, "USA." Hell, you got your baby a "God, Guns, and Trump" onesie. As far as you're concerned, the whole Russia thing is a hoax, Mueller is a secret liberal, that bitch Killary outghta be in jail, and that Nobama negro was born in Kenya. And fags are the worst.

Now let us say, and, indeed, why not, that everything you fear might happen starts to really happen. In an obviously rigged election, Democrats overwhelmingly win back the House and the Senate, they start impeachment proceedings, and they start to undo all the great and wonderful things that Donald Trump did. They restore the individual mandate and expand the catastrophe known as Obamacare. They halt construction on the Wall. They bring back DACA and targeted enforcement of immigration laws. It's a damn nightmare.

But then shit gets even worse. Rather than face impeachment and removal from office, as well as possible arrest, Donald Trump escapes with his family to Russia, where they are welcomed by Vladimir Putin, who you know is a great leader because Trump told you he is. Mike Pence hightails it to Israel. And, before you know it, Nancy motherfuckin' Pelosi is the Commander-in-Chief.

And you know what happens next. She bans all images of Donald Trump, arresting anyone who dares to support him. She fills her cabinet with blacks and Hispanics, lots of women, queers galore, even a transgender Secretary of Defense. She starts to outlaw any Christian church that doesn't preach love and inclusiveness but she lets the Muslims slide. She demands that everyone takes a knee during the National Anthem. She opens the borders and tells MS-13 they can cut any Trump-lover to tiny pieces. They like to use knives, you know, to make it last longer. And Bernie Sanders runs Congress, pushing Pelosi to turn the nation into a socialist hellscape, where the government decides who lives and who dies for the greater good.

Fox News goes off the air when President Pelosi threatens to pull the broadcast license for every local Fox station. All the conspiracy-theory spouting outlets like Breitbart and Reddit forums are sued into shutting down. Alex Jones explodes. No, literally just explodes into a gory pile of flesh.

And, finally, worst of all, the final straw, Nancy Pelosi comes after your guns. Oh, sure, the NRA tries to raise an army to fight back, but even AR-15s and small rocket launchers are no match for drones with Hellfire missiles.

You look at your MAGA wife and your MAGA kids and you say, "We gotta leave. We gotta get out of here."

"We got no papers," MAGA wife says. "We ain't even got passports because you said only cucks and libtards like to travel to other countries."

You know that if you don't get out of the United States of Pelosi, your kids won't have a chance to live their dreams of oppressing the coloreds and owning dozens of high-powered weapons. You heard about someone who'll help people get to the promised land, Russia, if you have the money. You dig up the cans of cash in your yard and you gather all your electronics. And you take them to this person, a black man who you don't want to trust, but you have to. He's glad to help you leave because, well, fuck you.

He gets your family into a truck that takes you from Benton, Arkansas, all the way to the Gulf Coast in Louisiana. There, you meet someone who stows you away in an empty tanker with dozens of other families just like you. The journey is long and difficult, with constant danger of being caught, with people getting sick, with elderly white people dying, with the barest rations to survive on. You spend a good part of the journey trying to figure out the words to "God Bless America." But, finally, you get into the Black Sea and you are brought to a dock in Novorossiysk, Russia.

At last, at last, you are ready to be free again, free to hate the right people, free to worship an oligarchy, and, especially, free to be reunited with your leader who promised you so, so much. Surely, he is ready to lead you again.

You approach the border and customs enforcement officers and say, in the clearest Russian you can manage, that you are requesting asylum for you and your family from the violent liberal dictatorship in the United States. And, for just a moment, you breathe easy until the second that you are taken by soldiers and your children are ripped away from you as you and MAGA wife have your hands zip-tied behind your back, your children's screaming echoing in your ears. "Don't worry," an official tells you through a harried translator, "they will be taken care of in special facility. But you chose to come here illegally and you are under arrest. Your children are not, but you cannot have them in detention, where you will have to stay until your asylum hearing." You try to explain that you thought you were allowed to ask for asylum and be treated differently, but by then the translator has moved on to say the same thing to the next MAGA couple whose MAGA kids are now in the custody of Russian health and human services.

You are fucking freaking out. Your baby is barely a year old. Your three year-old and five year-old will be scarred for life. You had no good fucking choices. Why can't someone understand you need some basic humanity here? But no one will listen. No one will give you a chance.

Listen to me, you backwards ass cretins everywhere, from Bumfuck, South Carolina, to Naziscum, Idaho, to Topeka, Kansas: this is what's happening. This is what the US is doing now. And you can pretend like it doesn't matter because it's just a bunch of filthy spics or whatever you need to believe to not care. But this shit is a tragedy, as you would think it was if it happened to you.

And if you can't see past your prejudices, past your hatred, past your ignorance, on this one blatant thing, then you are the animals.