Trump Lies and Pence Laps: Portrait of a Campaign with Nothing to Say

Walking Orange Crush bottle and Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump gave a speech yesterday allegedly on the nation's economy where, basically, he lied about everything and announced plans that would benefit his family on the backs of everyone else. In other words, pretty much the way Trump has lived his entire life wrapped up in a policy package that was supposed to be his latest pivot to "serious thinking candidate man thinking seriously" and away from "constantly masturbating tamarin."

The biggest bullshit in a heap of shit of various animals and humans had to do with what Trump called "an America First economic plan." There was a time when that had meaning, racist, isolationist meaning, sure. But it was easier in another era to say "America First" and put some weight behind your bugfuck pronouncements because "Fuck those Huns and Hottentots and Jews and the Red and Yellow Menaces, and get the darkie to bring me a drink, Mildred." However, we're not in that era. We're about 60 years away from it. Now there is only the globe, and anyone who thinks that you can exist in a world where your nation's interests are somehow divorced from the interests of every other nation is an idiot, at best, and, well, shit, a fucking idiot at worst. Pretty much you're just an idiot.

And it's pretty easy to prove this. Trump said, "When we were governed by an America First policy, Detroit was booming." Except the very thing that undid Detroit was, in part, protectionist policies that favored American industries, especially in raw materials, and especially large producers, which inhibited innovation. This is not to mention the complacency and outright intransigence of the management in the auto industry in the face of vastly increased foreign competition in places where, yeah, the governments were deeply involved. Japan, which had bought 90% of its cars from the United States pre-World War II, told us to go fuck ourselves with our gas guzzlers. (And that is not to mention the failure to address poverty in Detroit or lack of especially Republican support for infrastructure spending - something Trump insists he'll pull from his magical trickle-down asshole - and the energy crisis of the 1970s. What I'm saying is what I said before: You're a fucking idiot if you think you can say "America First" and make all the problems go away.)

But let's include one other big goddamn lie in this tangled roach orgy of falsehoods. And that comes from Trump's running mate, the odious Golem, Mike Pence, who has decided that the only way to escape the fetid hellhole that is Indiana is to gently cup Trump's balls in his mouth. In a speech in Sioux City, Iowa, yesterday, Pence was cleaning the waxy folds of Trump's small, brown scrotum vigorously, and he told the crowd that Trump, who lives in a multistory penthouse where he makes visitors wear booties on their shoes so they don't leave germs, was a motherfuckin' man o' the peoples.

"While he’s led a global business and built skyscrapers to the clouds, he’s done it shoulder-to-shoulder with the men who have done the work,” Pence gurgled between laps. "He’s spent as much time talking to the people grooming the lawns and laying the bricks as he has to other CEOs." That last part may actually be true because "other CEOs" don't want to fucking talk to Trump. They see him as a fraud who will drag down their fortunes. So when he tells Pablo that the shrubs are looking cleanly cut today at Mar-a-Lago, yeah, that's pretty much about the amount he's talked to CEOs.

Pence also revealed the real truth about what the Trump campaign is offering to voters, the point behind the con. He said, "This is really a very simple choice...It’s a choice between change and the status quo. At the very moment America is crying out for something different, the other party has nominated the most familiar of names with a stale agenda."

In other words, "Sure, the economy has been growing steadily for years. Sure, more and more jobs are being added. Sure, we're in relatively peaceful times. But, c'mon, aren't you just so fucking bored with all this competence? Don't you want to have a president who might nuke Syria one day and then beg Russia for a reacharound while it's balls deep in his ass? Don't you want some crazy for a change? Wouldn't that be fun?"