What We Learned at Last Night's GOP Ice Cream Social

All the following are based on things said at last night's way-quieter and, in some ways, way-scarier Republican debate in Miami:

1. Ted Cruz wants to destroy public schools: "[T]he most important reform we can do in education after getting the federal government out of it, is expand school choice; expand charter schools and home schools and private schools and vouchers, and scholarships." What's missing there? Oh, right. Helping or even mentioning the public schools where the vast majority of the nation's children still go.

2. Trying to sound sweet, Marco Rubio came across as a selfish prick about Social Security: "I'm against any changes to Social Security that are bad for my mother." Fuck your mom, Marco. Who gives a shit? He promised he didn't want to make any adjustments for people currently on Social Security, but future olds? Yeah, you're fucked under Rubio.

3. Donald Trump will never pass up a chance to be a total dick. Asked a follow-up about Social Security, Trump said, "I want you to understand that the Democrats, and I've watched them very intensely, even though it's a very, very boring thing to watch." Why was that slam necessary? Donald Trump is the guy who is driving past a puddle after a rainstorm and heads into it just to soak the homeless woman on the sidewalk.

4. Ted Cruz likes to show he knows history, but won't tell you the full story. Talking about Trump's threat of a 45% tariff on goods from China, Cruz said, "You know, we've seen prior presidential candidates who proposed massive tariffs, you know, Smoot-Hawley led to the Great Depression." It bears saying that the Smoot-Hawley Tariff Act was sponsored by two Republicans, Smoot and, you know, Hawley, and signed into law by a Republican, Herbert Hoover. So Cruz is saying that Republicans caused the Great Depression.

5. Donald Trump believes that there is some secret conspiracy among all Muslims against the United States. How else to explain his constant refrain of trying to "figure out what's going on"? As in, "There's something going on that maybe you don't know about, maybe a lot of other people don't know about, but there's tremendous hatred," which he said last night. He really thinks that all of Islam is trying to destroy the West.

6. Rubio's best line of the night is perfect for a Democratic ad in the fall: "I'm not interested in being politically correct. I'm interested in being correct."

7. The candidates all seem to think that "being politically incorrect" is that same as "I get to be an asshole without consequences." That is an idiot's understanding of political correctness, which really means, "Act like we live in a civilized society where people are genuinely equal."

8. Someone should tell Donald Trump that leading an "Israeli Day Parade" does not mean he knows shit about Israel.

8a. If Israel was a penis, it would be sore from all the blow jobs given last night.

9. If one of these fucknuts is elected, we will have a ground war with ISIS and we will do nothing at all to save the planet from climate change. So welcome to the new scorched deathscape.

10. Trump couldn't give two shits about freedom of the press or the right to protest and wants violence at his rallies. And the other candidates couldn't give two shits about it, either, or they would have called Trump a liar for defending the attacks on protesters and reporters.

11. Rumor was that John Kasich was there.