A Midweek Reacharound: The Kentucky Gay Marriage Ruling Will Make Your Day

It's been a fairly shitty last week or so. How about a little bit o' the good news?

Yesterday, a federal judge in Kentucky didn't just toss out that state's ban on same-sex marriage. In his ruling, Senior U.S. District Court Judge John G. Heyburn II baked a delicious cake of disbelief and weariness of stupidity and shoved it up the ass of the state, telling Governor Steve Beshear, who, yes, is a mensch on Obamacare, to eat that fuckin' cake out of his state's ass. Even Beshear's own Attorney General refused to defend the law on this case, which was an appeal of an earlier decision against it. Beshear hired a private attorney to argue the state's appeal.

Heyburn seemed like he was just fucking sick and tired of the bullshit he's had to deal with in this case and in a previous one over whether the state would recognize same-sex marriages performed elsewhere (he said, "Um, yeah"). Writing about the state's assertion that gay fucking doesn't make the babies, he noted, "Perhaps recognizing that procreation-based arguments have not succeeded in this Court, nor any other court post-Windsor, Defendant adds a disingenuous twist to the argument: traditional marriages contribute to a stable birth rate which, in turn, ensures the state’s long-term economic stability."

And then he put on the Spiked Glove of Justice to fist the defendant: "These arguments are not those of serious people. Though it seems almost unnecessary to explain, here are the reasons why. Even assuming the state has a legitimate interest in promoting procreation, the Court fails to see, and Defendant never explains, how the exclusion of same-sex couples from marriage has any effect whatsoever on procreation among heterosexual spouses. Excluding same-sex couples from marriage does not change the number of heterosexual couples who choose to get married, the number who choose to have children, or the number of children they have."

Don't come yet. But do you at least have a hand in your pants reading that? Then get ready to stroke even faster.

Knocking down another argument, Heyburn taint-kicked, "The state’s attempts to connect the exclusion of same-sex couples from marriage to its interest in economic stability and in 'ensuring humanity’s continued existence' are at best illogical and even bewildering. These arguments fail for the precise reasons that Defendant’s procreation argument fails." That led him to "this Court bases its ruling primarily upon the utter lack of logical relation between the exclusion of same-sex couples from marriages and any conceivable legitimate state interest." In other words, shut your fucking drooling, idiotic mouths because you're just embarrassing yourselves.

Okay, are you ready to blow a load? To feel that shudder up and down your body? Here we go...

A bit later, Heyburn almost seemed to be responding to the Hobby Lobby case when he wrote, "Those opposed [to gay marriage] by and large simply believe that the state has the right to adopt a particular religious or traditional view of marriage regardless of how it may affect gay and lesbian persons. But, as this Court has respectfully explained, in America even sincere and long-held religious views do not trump the constitutional rights of those who happen to have been out-voted." Imagine: it's American to say that religion doesn't trump constitutional rights. You're free to worship, sure, but you're not free to force your faith on people who couldn't give a rat's ass what you believe.

Ahh, now doesn't that feel good? How about some pillow talk?

Wrapping up, the judge brings it back around to the ludicrous arguments of the homophobes and delivers one last peter slap: "Sometimes, by upholding equal rights for a few, courts necessarily must require others to forebear some prior conduct or restrain some personal instinct. Here, that would not seem to be the case. Assuring equal protection for same-sex couples does not diminish the freedom of others to any degree."

Of course, the decision has been stayed pending further appeals. It's still Kentucky.