Senator Ted Cruz's Father Came to the United States Through Illegal Means:
This morning, the Rude Pundit came into focus in the real world though a lingering whiskey haze, wincing as the radio went off with the sonorously calm tones of NPR reporter David Welna talking about Senator Ted Cruz, the bugfuck crazy Republican from bugfuck central, Texas. It was in the context of Cruz's harsh condemnation of the immigration reform bill's path to citizenship for undocumented immigrants. Cruz is the son of a Cuban immigrant, who, Cruz has insisted on numerous occasions, came to the United States "legally."

Here's the thing, though. Welna spoke to Papa Cruz, who also asserts that "I came here with a legal visa, and...every step of the way, I have been here legally." Technically, this is probably true. As far as U.S. law is concerned, his visa was stamped and he was allowed to leave Batista's Cuba, despite having fought with Fidel Castro against Batista's regime. You might think it strange that the Bastista government would be inclined to grant an exit permit to a communist revolutionary who they had previously imprisoned and tortured. But Papa Cruz was no shrinking violet.

He told NPR that, in order to get out of Cuba to attend college in Texas, "A friend of the family, a lawyer friend of my father, basically bribed a Batista official to stamp my passport with an exit permit."

Now, the Rude Pundit's not a Harvard-educated lawyer like man-o'-the-people Ted Cruz, but he's awfully damn sure that bribery is illegal, even in Cuba in the 1950s. Sure, sure, it might be often overlooked. But just because the cop didn't stop you for going ten miles per hour over the limit doesn't mean you weren't speeding. Papa Cruz got his exit permit because the law was broken.

In other words, to be clear, Ted Cruz exists as an American because of an illegal act, just not one in the United States.

And sure as shit, Ted Cruz is a hypocritical worm because he can say, with a straight face, that "if we allow those who are here illegally to be put on a path to citizenship, that is incredibly unfair to those who follow the rules." Indeed, yesterday on Rush Limbaugh's Jolly, Crude Cavalcade of Farts and Lowing, Cruz proclaimed, "My dad was an immigrant from Cuba with nothing. And many Hispanics believe in rule of law."

Except, by his own admission, Ted Cruz's own father. It might have been the laws of a dictator that were broken, but, you know, it's still the law. Papa Cruz is just lucky that his family and their friends had the means to bribe the right bureaucrats. Let's not even get into the fact that Papa Cruz spent eight years in Canada, where Ted was born a healthy baby, obviously with no thanks to the free health care system of the totalitarian socialist hellhole of Calgary.

Senator Cruz told Limbaugh, "We are all the children of those who risked everything for freedom. I think that's what unites us as Americans." Which is hilarious when you know that Papa Cruz became a Canadian citizen first. In fact, he didn't become a U.S. citizen until 2005, 48 years after he first bribed his way into the United States. That's how much it meant for him to be American.

Welna asked Papa Cruz why he waited so long. The old man answered, "I don't know. I guess laziness," which, if you think about it, does make him belong here.