Free Breakfasts Are a Liberal Plot? Are You Fucking Serious?:
Every once in a while, it's still possible to be surprised in this confounding age. No, the Rude Pundit's not talking about the election of fornicating hiker Mark Sanford to the House of Representatives (he's stoned all the time, right? C'mon, listen to him. He's gotta be high). And, no, it's not the discovery of the three missing women in Ohio, although that does fall into "Huh, didn't expect that" category. And, no, this ain't about the "revelations" about Benghazi, which...zzzzz. Sorry, what? Just mentioning Benghazi makes the Rude Pundit sleepy.
No, this is a surprise at the appalling depths supposedly mainstream conservatives sink to, which you'd think wouldn't be surprising anymore.
The Rude Pundit's gotta admit: when he read Dennis Prager's most recent "column" (if by "column," you mean, "another degrading crawl through a mind of broken glass"), "No More Free Breakfasts," he tried really hard to see it as satire. In words that render The Onion useless, Prager actually thinks he's laying out some rational, culture-warrior reason to stop free school breakfasts. See, making sure that schoolkids learn without hunger pains is a liberal plot to make Americans dependent on the state. No, that's not an exaggeration of what Prager says. Here's his words: "the free breakfast profoundly weakens young people’s character. When you grow up learning to depend on the state, you will almost inevitably — even understandably — assume that the state will take care of you."
Prager posits that it's impossible that people are so poor that they can't afford food for their kids for breakfast, an ignorance so deep, abiding, elitist, and disturbing that it's impossible to take anything else he says seriously. He writes, "[A]ny home that cannot provide its child with breakfast demands a visit from child protective services." Which leads the Rude Pundit to this question: What the fuck are you gonna do with all the kids you take out of the poor people's homes? Who the fuck is gonna take care of them, you sanctimonious white-haired idiot with the face of ass (not the donkey)? The state is gonna pay for it. Who's gonna pay for the hundreds of thousands of extra visits by child protective services? The state.
Seriously, conservatives, you gotta leave some things alone. You gotta be willing at some point to walk the fuck away from your most ludicrous, reductive attempts to justify your government-hating, hypocritical ideology. Do you understand how ridiculous you sound when you say shit like "the Left has damaged children and families through free school breakfasts"? Who are you talking to? Which cruel yahoos are you appealing to? Has Glenn Beck even gone here yet?
And what's next? Crossing guards teach kids to be dependent on the state making decisions for their safety? School buses ignore the self-reliance of hitching a ride with strangers?
Dennis, Denny, baby, listen, the Rude Pundit knows that it's really hard to come up with new shit to talk about all the time. But speaking out against giving a mini-bagel to a kindergartener is about as low as one can go. And if you really have a problem with that, well, you should probably go fuck yourself with a granola bar. One of those really nutty, crunchy ones so it hurts.
