Mitt Romney's Cringe-Inducing Desperation:
At some point in the near future, Republican presidential candidate Mitt Romney will be standing in front of a crowd, probably in one of those mythical swing states, like maybe Colorado or Pennsylvania, and, his moussed-hair tousling impossibly perfectly in the breeze, he'll be in the middle of a stump speech when it'll happen. He'll raise his fist at the end of his focus group-tested rolled sleeve arm, and he'll say, "You wanna see how much I want to be president?" And then he'll punch himself in the balls. "Is that enough for you to love me?" he'll say through clenched teeth, and then he'll punch his balls again. He'll stagger a moment, but he'll wave off his assistants and guard. "No," he'll cough, "These people need to know how far I'm willing to go." He'll punch himself again, even harder, and again. He'll double over and vomit from the pain. People in the crowd, who might have laughed at first, will instead become appalled, screaming for him to stop. But, oh, no, he won't. "Is Obama willing to punch his balls bloody for you?" he'll ask before he punches his nuts one last time and passes out.

The press release from the Romney campaign that follows will explain that the governor was demonstrating his deep love for the American people and how he hoped his self-induced testicle pain would unify the country as much as President Obama's hateful rhetoric has divided it.

Absurd, no? Ludicrous, huh? But we have truly reached a point in this increasingly idiotic and meaningless campaign where you can only expect the ridiculous from the Romney/Ryan side. There is a desperation for some kind of traction, which you would expect from a man who couldn't manage more than 30% of the motherfucking crazy base of the GOP in many primaries and almost never broke 50%.

For what is left from Romney that can stick? He's spent the better part of the last few months just outright lying about shit. When you say, for instance, that President Obama ended work requirements for welfare recipients in a memo that clearly says that states can have waivers only if they improve employment outcomes, or, as some might put it, the total opposite of what you claim, then you have lost any credibility. Look at the most recent Romney ad, which features serious-looking old people who are going to be stone cold fucking murdered by Medicare cuts that, even in the most generous, Norquistian definition of "cuts," are not occurring under the Affordable Care Act. (Let's not even get into the fact that Paul Ryan's voucherpalooza would cut the hell out of Medicare. And let's all stop talking about benefits not changing for "people over 55," 'cause that's just bribery.)

Yet, with a straight face, Romney told CBS this morning that it was Obama who was running ads with "divisiveness based upon income, age, ethnicity and so forth."

Now that his pick of the magnificently-nosed Paul Ryan has been about as successful in getting squirrely independents to move their fickle votes to him as his dog-transporting abilities, Romney's campaign has gone total fucking nutzoid. In a speech yesterday that stopped just short of those ball-blows, Romney lost his shit, in a scripted way, when he said, in about as self-reflective statement as he could make, "This is what an angry and desperate Presidency looks like." He was referring to Vice President Joe Biden's remarks that "They're going to put ya'll back in chains," which was probably a reference to Wall Street, which he had just mentioned, or perhaps the Republicans. (At this point, Obama and Biden should just avoid off-the-cuff pronouns so no one can misunderstand them.)

RNC Chair Reince Priebus, who previously had said that Obama "has blood on his hands" for "stealing" from Medicare, said that Biden's words were "shameful." Could we just call a moratorium on attacking each other's metaphors?

Romney continued yesterday, "So, Mr. President, take your campaign of division and anger and hate back to Chicago and let us get about rebuilding and reuniting America." The undercurrent of rage, or, you know, "anger," in that statement is kind of stunning, a childish level of petulance. Stomp your feet more, motherfucker, and maybe Sheldon Adelson will buy you a nice White House.

Of course, if it wasn't for super PAC spending, we probably wouldn't even be dealing with Mitt Romney as the nominee. And, as much as the campaigns try to, wink-wink, distance themselves from their super PACs, we know, we know, we all know. Still, it's kind of hysterical that Romney released an ad directly accusing Obama of making that Priorities USA video that says Bain Capital is responsible for a man's wife's death. Okay, so does that make Romney responsible now for every insane anti-Obama super PAC? Or for whatever Americans With - sorry, For Prosperity pulls from Karl Rove's ass?

There's things we could debate and will about Obama's presidency. There's things that Romney could, but won't. Ultimately, people may agree with Romney that Obama doesn't deserve reelection. But what they seem to agree on more is that Mitt Romney ain't who they want in his place. And no amount of desperate flailing is going to convince them that the unlikeable dick is suddenly their best friend.