Little-known rumor: Ann Coulter has had the image of dead Jesus Christ from the Shroud of Turin printed onto a latex blow-up doll and given it a hard, rubber dildo. See, in the same moment, she can fuck herself with both the dead and resurrected Christian savior. She's been known to entertain guests by hanging the doll on a cross in her dining room, next to her chair, so that the cock is right at head level. That way, during wine and dinner conversation, she can turn, look lovingly up at the Lord's son, and then lap on his dick like Lolita with a lollipop. She says it's so Jesus knows he's always welcome. When she gets really drunk, she tells her guests that there's only one way to redeem herself for her sins, and she deep throats Christ's dildo. She doesn't care if Christ can't come. She believes that what she's doing is banking her sins and that when she gets to heaven, Jesus will be there, and she'll take his holy peter in her mouth so Jesus can jizz down her throat for every transgression she has asked him to forgive. Buckets of Christ cum: the price of entering the pearly gates.
The Rude Pundit believes the rumor to be true because he's read Coulter's latest "column" (if by "column," you mean, "Sub-street corner Jesus ranting that'd make Jack Chick go atheist"), where she defends Brit Hume's Christ-can-save-Tigers-Woods remarks on Fox "news." Coulter agrees, like a whore whose pimp is God. In one of the great reductionist arguments in the history of arguments, the kind of thing that’d make Plato stop buggering a boy for a moment and say “What the fuck?” Coulter asserts, “God sent his only son to get the crap beaten out of him, die for our sins and rise from the dead. If you believe that, you're in. Your sins are washed away from you -- sins even worse than adultery! -- because of the cross.” Wow, Christianity sure seems like the McDonald’s of religions.
In fact, the entire "column" could be viewed as a sarcastic take on the bullshit version of redemption offered by some interpretations of Christianity. Rape a newborn and drink its blood? Just confess, and it's heaven for you. That's actually not much of an overstatement. Coulter quotes Romans 10:9 on confession and adds, "If you do that, every rotten, sinful thing you've ever done is gone from you. You're every bit as much a Christian as the pope or Billy Graham." Seriously, that looks like a sentence the Rude Pundit could have written facetiously.
It hardly needs to be said that if some broadcaster at a "news" network had said that Islam is the only path to redemption, he would be hounded out of his job. The second you say that your sky wizard is so very much bigger than other sky wizards, you have entered the realm of absurd. In fact, the only rational reaction one can have to Coulter or Hume is, "Hey, if Tiger Woods doesn't want to have to worry about anything, he should become an atheist and party on."
(Note: The link to Coulter's scribbles is from the Jewish World Review - motto: "Self-hating to oblivion.")
