How Badly Does Conservative Spooge Bucket Kevin McCullough Want to Get Fucked by Barack Obama?:
On a Monday, whenever the weekend has ended and one is feeling like one's tongue is covered in tequila-flavored cashmere and one is washing the tangy perfume of pussy out of one's facial hair, whenever a quick review of the transcripts of the Sunday morning gab-gasms stunningly reveals that Obama's supporters support Obama and McCain's supporters support McCain, whenever one has wearied of another barrage of revelations of just how very fucked over we've been over the last seven years (see today's Times or another Seymour Hersh article in the New Yorker), one can always rely on Kevin McCullough over at the right wing clearinghouse of feces-smeared bugfuckery known as Townhall.com to come through with just the right balance of inanity and insanity, wrapped in a tortilla of stupidity, covered in a secret sauce of...well, really, it's just his semen.

In this week's "column" (if by "column," you mean, "an agonizing cry for someone to turn that vibrator in his ass up to 'Rapture'"), McCullough attacks Barack Obama for preaching "the Gospel of Condoms." Now, strangely, that has nothing to do with the Apostle Thomas discovering that the properly-used skin of a lamb allowed him to fuck whores without fear of scabies. No, McCullough says that Obama and others of his ilk (like Henry Waxman) declaim the good of condom usage as if it were given from God. But, and here's McCullough's clever twist, he's being ironic. Why, it's not really a gospel at all.

Oh, yeah, it's fine and dandy to twist facts like McCullough does when he cites recent studies from the World Health Organization and the Centers for Disease Control saying that there's not a pandemic of AIDS and that HIV cases are on the rise again among gay males. No, we expect that. We expect that conservative spooge buckets who love the abstinence (because it's the only way to completely sublimate their queer desire) will be total dicks, as McCullough is when he says, "Ironically enough - behavior and control of one's choices are key to the surge as the headline blared out: HIV Resurges in Men who have sex with Men. Wow, what a sad case of, 'Duh!'"

But it's at that point that the real fun begins. Following the ricocheting Spaldeen of logic, McCullough says, "This has been true since we first began seeing AIDS cases develop. Elected officials should have called for quarantine for the public good..." Yep, McCullough hearkens back to the good ol' days in the 80s when the hysterical little drama queens on the right wanted to confine children who had HIV.

Still, the height of McCullough's derangement is a little later in the column when he goes back to the CDC study, which says, "The jump was highest — an increase of 12.4 percent — among boys and men between the ages of 13 and 24 years who had sex with other males, particularly among ethnic minorities." McCullough puts that fact this way: "The sad thing is that in the CDC's analysis they casually mention that the age group of 'man' that is most at risk presently in the HIV surge are black boys 13-24 years of age." (The racist twist is fun, too, since the largest jump was in Asian/Pacific Islanders, not exactly "black boys.")

There's only one way this could happen in McCullough's sad and narrow world view: "Why are HIV infected adult males raping 13 year old boys? Why are they getting away with it? Why aren't even the most compassionate in the radical homosexual activist ranks condemning the actions?" That's a serious paragraph from McCullough, not a joke. Thirteen year-olds must be getting raped in order for them to get infected because, surely, they wouldn't be having consensual sex with other teenagers. McCullough reaffirms his outrage at the plague of the forced sodomizing of adolescent negroes when he says, "children are literally being raped to death."

How do you even make fun of that? The wonderful thing about McCullough is he's an unwitting parody of conservatism. That's sub-O'Reilly hysteria. It's the kind of logical leap that'd make Aristotle say, "Oh, fuck this," before burning his work and diddling a young boy.

Of course, who else is there to blame other than, you know, the Democrats? And that leads us back to Kevin McCullough's visceral desire to feel Barack Obama's cock tip tickle his uvula, to guzzle the Senator's hot chode like a desperate drunk discovering a hidden bottle of Jack Daniels. Here's how the column ends:

"Barack Obama believes in the Gospel of Condoms. But it is a false gospel - one that exchanges death for a few fleeting seconds of impulse. And not very attractive ones at that."

That last line is McCullough imagining gay fucking. It is an unnecessary addition to the previous line, a little jab that is more revealing than all the words that preceded it. He came to the end of the previous sentence, left with the delicious picture of Obama slowly rolling a condom down his long, brown dick, and, to shove that intense desire out of his mind, he had to say, "It's ugly, yes, it's ugly." Through his self-revulsion, McCullough quickly typed the last line and then slammed his laptop closed repeatedly on his own tiny, tumescent peter so it might lose its need.