Live Vodka-Shot Blogging the President's War Funding Hissy Fit:
It's that time, yes, it's that time. Breaking out the Chopin from the freezer and the ice bucket with shot glasses. President Bush is givin' hisself a presser, and this time it's all about how he got his dander up over Congress not giving him the bill he wants for "emergency" funding for his big ol' war on terror. (By the way, all quotes should be double-checked, since this was typed as Bush was blathering.)

10:07 - Damn you, CNN, you missed the first couple of his words.

10:09 - He says, after lining up his cabinet and having them hold their hands in front of them so he can count fingers, that it's been 57 days since he asked the Congress for his emergency supplemental funding for his war. He wants a "clean" bill, goddamnit, not one hooked on heroin, not one used as a coffee cup coaster, and one with no fuckin' deadlines and no pork.

Yeah, about that whole "pork in a bill" idea. Here's a little somethin' on last April's "emergency supplemental," from a Heritage Foundation document: "[T]he (Republican-controlled) Senate Appropriations Committee has loaded the measure with $14 billion in new spending, most unrelated to national security or hurricane recovery. Still not satisfied, Senators are now readying floor amendments to add as much as $10 billion more in spending, which would push the price tag to $24 billion above the President’s request." By the way, the Rude Pundit added that "Republican-controlled" adjective there because, you know, that's who was in charge of the fuckin' Senate. That bill? Hunky-fuckin'-dory for Bush to sign. So, sure, he can get his knobby spine twisted about deadlines and benchmarks, but getting upset about additional spending in the bill is a little like the bacon calling the ham "pork."

10:11 - He says that if Congress fails to act in the next couple of weeks, it will have "serious consequences." First up for cuts will be equipment, "quality of life" issues, and training, as well as extending tours. In other words, everything possible to make sure that more Americans die. In other words, everything short of bringing troops home.

10:12 - D'oh, there's a fire truck passing by the White House. Rove is gonna have someone at the DCFD sodomized. Buildings must just burn if Bush is speaking.

10:13 - Ooh, he's gettin' mad. Says Congress's failure to fund troops will make troops have to stay longer or go back sooner. Again, no mention of "or I'll have to send them home."

10:13 - And he says that Congress can debate its widdle head off as long as, at the end of that debate, he wins.

10:14 - He gets a question about Nancy Pelosi in Syria. Bush thinks this makes the Syrian leadership think its part of the international community, which is, one presumes, a bad idea to him. No, no, let's isolate it (except when we need them to whip our renditioned detainees with metal cable).

10:16 - Bush says he's not getting any action from Assad.

10:19 - Reporter Bill is "cute-looking." Thus marking today's homoerotic reference.

10:20 - Hey, he believes his decision to send more troops is a good idea. And, whoa, "suiciders" are willing to kill innocent people, but it's just a public relations thing, since he says they're blowing themselves up to "send a message" that things aren't hunky-dory in Baghdad. It's kind of like if marketers sent people with explosives attached to them to scream, "Buy pants at the Gap" before pushing the button. Bet if you're nearby, you'll remember what they said.

10:21 - The thing about Chopin vodka is it's damned smooth. And it's a Polish potato vodka, made by organic spuds being gently squeezed between the firm thighs of hot young women in Podlasie who devote their lives to its manufacture. Until you've tasted fresh vodka off the thighs of a Podlasian potato presser, you've never really tasted it at all.

10:22 - Bush mumbles, "I understand it's hard work," his Tourette's in full swing.

10:23 - Asked about Matthew Dowd's dissing of his policies, Bush says that he didn't talk to Dowd about his concerns. Bush threatens that Dowd's son in the military is "deployable" to Iraq. Still, Bush doesn't want Iraq to become a "cauldron of chaos," thus proving once again that half the things Bush says comes from comic books.

10:25 - Boo-yah - first 9/11 reference. Apparently, it showed us that people can plot against the United States. One would think that would have been a self-obvious kind of thing, but, still, and all, it's nice for Bush to catch up.

10:26 - Bush talking about anything being "seriously de-stabilized" is like a chicken talking about something having too many feathers.

10:27 - Boutique fuels? Is that what they're calling gas that doesn't totally fuck up the air? Like some people are pouring Moet and Chandon mixed with Chanel #5 into their tanks?

10:29 - A short play:
David Gregory, sometime reporter, sometime Pip: Didn't voters in 2006 say they want Congress to manage foreign policy?
George W. Bush: Voters want Congress to fund the war.
Voters: Uhhh, no.
Bush: Congress shouldn't tell generals what to do.
Voters: Uhhh, no, we don't want you to tell them what to do. Hello? Anyone there?

10:31 - Man, they really wanna push this whole "they voted for Petraeus but don't support his policy" thing. It's got no legs, gang.

10:33 - On greenhouse gases, Bush says that "Anything that happens cannot hurt economic growth." Adds Comrade Bush, "I support the worker." Man, when did we become such pussies when it comes to inventing shit to help the world? Ain't that good ol' American know-how?

10:35 - He totally dodged the question, "Do you believe homosexuality is immoral?" God, that's so gay.

10:39 - Boo-yah - second 9/11 reference. See, they planned and trained and came here and killed us. (Although, really, didn't the 9/11 hijackers come here and train and plan? Does that mean that the United States is a "safe haven" for terrorists? The Rude Pundit's mind is blown. He'd rather it were his cock.)

10:42 - Sweet - 9/11 reference #3. Bush was asked how the terrorists will follow us here. Damn, nice fuckin' question, man with Asian accent. And all man with Asian accent gets is a lecture on how mean terrorists are.

10:43 - Once again, Bush will tell us the "Lesson of September 11" (#4): "It's hard to protect a big country...there's still an enemy that would like to do us harm... safe havens are bad...Iraq" and the rest is just a garbled series of monosyllables that, decoded, would probably say, "Me want cheeseburger."

10:44 - Motherfucker understands. Don't you ever accuse Bush of not understanding, for he will, indeed, say, "I understand." In fact, even if you don't accuse him of a lack of understanding, he'll, pre-emptively, if you will, say that he does understand. We are just too simple (and, at this point, a little too drunk) to understand all things splendiferous and nightmarish that he understands.