Obama and the Bloody Toilets of the Right (All Women Edition):
Conservatives are shitting blood over the presidential candidacy of Barack Obama. Once he announced his official status last weekend, right-wingers everywhere vomited into their martini shakers before running to their porcelain thrones to bleed out of their rectums like they were Scooter Libby on "Let's-All-Fuck-Scooter-Libby" Day at the federal pen. Just a quick trip around the latest from all our nutzoid right-wing faves over at Townhall.com (motto: "Crazier Than a Bagful of Rabid Weasels, and Proud of It") reveals all.

Ann Coulter practices her cuntistry par excellence in her latest "column" (if by "column," you mean, "a wallow at the slop trough by a self-hating sow"), wherein she makes the bizarre complaint that a politician speaks in platitudes, saying that Obama's announcement "included this gem: 'I know that I haven't spent a lot of time learning the ways of Washington. But I've been there long enough to know that the ways of Washington must change.'" To which Coulter added, in that c'mon-can't-you-jigaboos-take-a-joke way of hers, "As long as Obama insists on using Hallmark card greetings in his speeches, he could at least get Jesse Jackson to help him with the rhyming." See? If you don't laugh at her "wit," you must be some overly earnest mutant combination of Dennis Kucinich and Ralph Nader.

And, as usual, Coulter sets the gold standard for inane bullshit that'll be picked up by her legions of barely human acolytes by calling the Senator "B. Hussein Obama," thus making Obama seem like he's not only Arab, but the enemy.

Of course, where Coulter wanders, Michelle Malkin will sure to tread. She goes after Obama for saying that America's "wasted" money and lives in Iraq. Breaking out the great big thesaurus o' doom, Malkin says, "Yes, 'wasted.' Squandered. Pointless. Down the drain. Meaningless. Video footage of the speech shows Sen. Obama delivering his scripted words carefully and confidently. No umms or ahhs or pauses as he argued that each and every member of the military who volunteered to serve and died in Iraq 'wasted' his/her life." She then quotes one dead soldier and the father of another dead soldier saying that the dead soldiers believed they were doing "the right thing" by fighting in Iraq. Which, of course, you pretty much gotta believe if you're gonna drive around in an unarmored military vehicle over streets filled with IEDs.

No, for Malkin, Obama is beyond the pale in his remarks, which he took back very quickly as misspeaking. Because, see, that means she doesn't have to bother addressing whether or not Obama is right. (One can be sure that every Bosnian Serb who was pillaging a Muslim's home and killing the entire family there thought it was "the right thing" to do. But just because the soldiers believe it doesn't make it so.)

The right is scared to death of Obama. He opposed the war from the beginning. He's photogenic in ways that no skeevy Republican is. He's a best-selling author. They're gonna come after him, but they have precious little ammunition, as Linda Chavez proves in her desperate "Hail Mary" pass of a column on Obama's broken family life. But all over the nation, the sewer systems near conservatives' houses are filling with bloody stools because Obama's in. The attacks are gonna keep coming, subtly reminding white people that he's black, trying to neuter him like they did so much more obviously in the past.

Next week: The men on the right shit blood, too.