Little Bitch Corey Lewandowski Testifies Before the House Bitchily

Honestly, at some point, yesterday, I would not have been surprised if the ghost of James Madison had shown up at yesterday's hearing of the House Judiciary Committee and just started sodomizing former Trump campaign manager Corey Lewandowski with his walking stick. Just sodomizing the shit out of him while slamming his head on the witness table and yelling, "That's. Not. How. This. Shit. Works. You. Little Bitch."

The thing is that, even after getting raped and beaten a Founding Father, Lewandowski would have said,  as he did repeatedly, "The White House has directed that I not disclose the substance of any discussion with the president or his advisers to protect executive branch confidentiality," before he crawled out with bloody anus and bruised head to await his Trump treat in the form of a tweet.

It's hard to pinpoint the dickiest moment that Lewandowski had as he just decided to either stonewall or answer like a smartass child who everyone watching thinks, "I don't believe in spanking, but, goddamn, that little son of a bitch needs to be spanked."

Maybe it was when Rep. Hakeem Jeffries asked (admittedly dickishly himself), "Are you the hit man, the bagman, the lookout, or all of the above?" and Lewandowski responded, "I think I'm a good-looking man, actually." Jeffries should have countered, "This is obviously perjury since I've never seen a pathetic motherfucker who hates himself so much."

Maybe it was when he told Rep. Sheila Jackson Lee that she used her time for "just a rant." Or when he called Rep. Eric Swalwell "President Swalwell" to mock him for his failed campaign. There's contempt and then there's trying hard to be as contemptuous as possible in some weird dick-size battle.

Either way, Committee Chair Jerrold Nadler should have had the sergeant-at-arms cuff Lewandowski and dragged his ass out of the chamber like a fucking pervert at a playground. And, yeah, that's not the way the House is supposed to behave and it likely breaks some rules, but, fuck it, tell Lewandowski to take it to the courts and fight his treatment. That's the approach the Trump administration uses with every flouting of the law. And it would have actually gotten some great headlines: "Corey cuffed as Democrats sick of Trump's shit; 'I'll fuck his orange face blue,' says raging Nadler, 'and wipe my dick on his stupid hair.'" (And, by the way, to an extent, Nancy Pelosi agrees with me.)

However, towards the end of the day, one person was finally able to slap Lewandowski in his nuts and get that prick to squirm. When the Democrats on the committee finally gave 30 minutes to House Judiciary Counsel Barry Berke, shit got real. Just let the lawyers do this job. They don't give a fuck about being liked. And Berke tore into Lewandowski, getting the slimy worm turd to say flat out that he lies when he's talking to the media, thus putting his entire credibility into question.

"I have no obligation to be honest to the media," Lewandowski said after an MSNBC clip showed him lying. And when Berke played a Fox "news" clip, Lewandowski said, "I don't think I was under any obligation when speaking to Fox News to not engage in hyperbole." Which is basically the way everyone at that shit network acts. Hell, their motto oughta be "Fox News: We're Not Under Any Obligation to Not Engage in Hyperbole."

Berke calmly sliced and diced the visibly irritated and uncomfortable Lewandowski, throwing at him quotes from his book (which the asshole tried to turn into an ad for himself) and from the Mueller Report, forcing him to affirm that he had lied and lied and lied publicly, again and again, and so why the fuck would anyone trust he's telling the truth.

But it was likely too little too late. You can come up with 100 ways that Democrats did the right thing with this hearing, but the messaging was for shit, and the ability to rally the troops around a strategy has to come from the messaging, not some hope that something will give at some point.

And while he's got snarky little fuccbois like Lewandowski who are ready to snarl and snap going to bat for him, it's gonna take a whole lot more muscle to get at Trump than Democrats are showing now.

As for the media, of course, Lewandowski was on CNN this morning to fuckin' lie some more.


I'm in Twitter Jail for a Week Because I Was Mean to Corey Lewandowski

I called Corey Lewandowski "a little bitch." To be precise, here's the offending tweet:

According to the delicate flowers at Twitter Central, I violated their "Hateful Conduct" policy. Of course, my first reaction was "Have you ever been on Twitter? If it ain't cat videos, it's hateful conduct." But they gave me their definition: "You may not promote violence against or directly attack or threaten other people on the basis of race, ethnicity, national origin, sexual orientation, gender, gender identity, religious affiliation, age, disability, or serious disease."

I was calling Corey Lewandowski, a public figure, a little bitch and even went so far as to specify what kind of bitch: I was calling him a dog (and, no shit, I get the other implications).  I wasn't promoting violence or attacking him or threatening him on any basis listed. And if what I said was bad, then everyone who took up Chrissy Teigen's insult of Donald Trump and called him a "pussy ass bitch" oughta be suspended, too. I don't want that because Donald Trump is a pussy ass bitch and he oughta be called that. And Corey Lewandowski is a little bitch. And whoever reported me is a little bitch. And whoever suspended me is a little bitch. But there it is.

Now, I've already deleted the evil tweet because that's what Twitter wants and it is their fucking Nazi-loving, Trump-humping, world-destroying hellsite that we're all forced to use. So if they want me to behave a certain way, well, shit, I'm not gonna be the asshole who open carries in Walmart. But, you know, let's have a bit of consistency.

And, for the record, Corey Lewandowski did more violence to this country today than one crude tweet from some asshole writer ever could. More on that tomorrow. And I promise extra nasty comments.

Look, in the scheme of things, this ain't that terrible, to be sure. Hell, I'll probably actually get some actual work done. But it's a sign of how haphazard the rules are for social media and how the corporations that control it don't really give a damn about that. I'll be back. You'll be back. And they fucking well know it.

(Note: You can still see and follow me over on said hellsite. I can't post, like, or retweet anything until September 24. And I can still read everyone's tweets. I just get to rage into the darkness for a while.)


Random Observations on the Democratic Candidates After Their Third of 850 Debates

Last night's debate of the current top ten Democratic candidates for president was both uninspiring and inspiring. Inspiring because how awesome is it that Democrats as a group are finally openly discussing universal health care. How awesome is it that Beto O'Rourke can outright say, "Hell, yes, we're going to take your AR-15, your AK-47" to the irrational gun owners and no one is writing his political obituary. How awesome is it that Pete Buttigieg can talk about embracing his identity as a gay man and still getting elected in Indiana. How awesome is it that there were four people of color on the stage. It was a little less awesome that there were only three women, but, still and all, considering American presidential races, pretty awesome. And, yeah, it's pretty fuckin' great that you can look at all 10 of the people up there and be assured that every single one of them would be vastly superior to that orange sack of environmental cleanup waste who's currently in the Oval Office.

It was uninspiring, though, for more mundane reasons. Nothing really happened. No one changed anything about where they were in the debate standings. That's partially because of this ludicrous forced march of endless campaigning, something that is just a cruel trick to play on an already stressed-out electorate. And it's partially because we know where everyone stands, pretty much, so it's just about seeing who stumbles.

The other uninspiring part is that the seeming inevitability of Joe Biden as the nominee is closing in on us, and, sorry not sorry, but he's the second least inspiring person up there (looking at you, Amy Klobuchar). I'll get back to that inevitability. First, lemme say a few words about each candidate, in no particular order.

(Note that always has to be made: I will vote for any one of these candidates if they turn out to be the nominee, so when I talk shit, it just means I do have preferences, like everyone. But I'm not gonna be an asshole if my candidate doesn't win.)

1. I like Bernie Sanders, but every time I see him, he slips more and more into self-parody. He looked physically weak and his voice was so gravelly that he overcompensated by yelling even more than usual. I mean, nearly every single candidate up on that stage owes a debt to Bernie Sanders for stretching the parameters of what Democrats can believe (and many of them believe the same things that he does). The man changed the conversation. Let's not deny that. But he just seemed small and at times out of control, and it didn't help that, after the first half-hour or so, his speaking time was severely limited.

2. Joe Biden was never a good speaker. He signifies being a good speaker because he knows how to do that thing where you make your voice sound like it's saying something with great empathy or great force when your words are ludicrous or meaningless.  Like he could say, "Get me some butter" and do it in a way where you're sure he's your best friend when he just really wants butter. He had his good moments and he had his pretty racist, out-of-touch ones like saying that poor kids should listen to their "record player." Biden was part of one of the low points of the evening, when he and Sanders were yelling at each other like someone took the last pudding cup.

3. Elizabeth Warren was the same intense, engaged, intelligent Elizabeth Warren she has always been. She's calm Bernie (I know that shit drives Bernie's voters nuts, but, well, deal). She's doing what she's done this entire campaign: she chugged along like an unstoppable idea train. You can either get on board or get out of the way, but she's gonna keep going down this track until she reaches the station or someone derails her.

4. Kamala Harris tried to laugh and ingratiate herself. That part didn't work at all. It was weird and uncomfortable, like watching a really stoned dude try to roll a cigarette for you ("Too much tongue, man, too much tongue"). What did work was when she talked straight and cut through what she sees as bullshit about her record. No one wants warm and fuzzy Harris. We want the Harris who is going to gut Trump like a fat fish on a Pacific pier.

5. Pete Buttigieg will be a fine Secretary of State who can run for president again in 8 years.

6. Give me money, Andrew Yang.

7. Cory Booker is a natural politician, one of the best up there. In another year, we'd talk about how no one could beat him. He's sincere (sometimes to a fault) and passionate (sometimes over the top), and, even if he has some DeVos issues, he's a hell of a fighter. In a functioning Senate, he'd be one of its superstars. You want something snarky and petty? The man needs to figure out how to blink. At times, he looked he had snorted all the cocaine.

8. Amy Klobuczzzzzzzzz.

9. Oh, Beto, Beto, Beto O'Rourke, you should have run for Senate. Texas fuckin' needs you to push it over the line to a blue state. His fiery denunciation of the lack of gun laws was a clarifying moment, but Betomania is gone.

10. Julian Castro is a motherfucker and I love him for it. He had the other worst moment of the night, although we didn't know it until after. He jumped on Biden for "forgetting" what Biden said two minutes before about poor people and health care. Castro practically hooted in derision and yelled "Old fart! Old fart!" But it turns out that Biden didn't misspeak or forget, so Castro was just a dick. Still, he got in even more dickish lines, like telling Buttigieg "That's an election. You know? This is what we're here for. It's an election" when the mayor bemoaned incivility on stage. Oh, he's going nowhere, but Castro touches my rude soul.

I have lots of issues with Biden, not the least of which is his age, which gets you all kinds of shit when you say it (and which I'll go into at length soon). But it's becoming clearer and clearer that, barring some huge gaffe or health crisis (beyond his eye filling with blood), he's currently the likely nominee and that's because Biden is a pair of broken-in shoes for many Americans who are sick of the crazy-ass kicks they bought on a whim. They just want their comfy shoes.

Those of us on the left are going to have to accommodate ourselves to Biden's inevitability probably a few months into 2020. Otherwise, we'll fuck up what was accurately described by Booker as the "one shot to make Donald Trump a one-term president."

Goddamnit, when is the next one of these fucklorn things?


How Much of a Pussy Ass Bitch Is Donald Trump? An Investigation

You don't really need to know why model and TV host Chrissy Teigen called President Donald Trump a "pussy ass bitch." I mean, you can probably think of a dozen reasons right off the top of your head and nod, saying, "Yeah, that makes sense." Because, obviously, Donald Trump is a pussy ass bitch. He's always been a pussy ass bitch. He'll always be a pussy ass bitch with his pussy ass bitch sons and his pussy ass bitch business.

It's more a question of degrees than a discussion of whether or not it's true. We know it's true. We just need to figure out how much. And Trump's actions in the last few days give us ample opportunity to examine the amount of pussy ass bitch he's been.

So let's take a look at the evidence of pussy ass bitchery.

1. Trump fired National Security Adviser John Bolton by tweet because he's always been too much of a pussy ass bitch to fire anyone in person unless they are fake employees on his old game show. (Note: John Bolton is dangerously batshit insane and should be sprayed with a fire hose if he comes anywhere near a government position, but he's not a pussy ass bitch.)

2. He had Commerce Secretary Wilbur "Hey, Can You Check to See If Wilbur's Dead" Ross threaten to fire people at the National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration. This was after some NOAA employee in Birmingham, Alabama, did the responsible thing last week and informed the public that Donald Trump was totally wrong when he said that their state was in the path of Hurricane Dorian. We had a week-long fit from Trump because he was too much of a pussy ass bitch to admit he fucked up.

3. Trump dismissed the idea of allowing some of the tens of thousands of people whose cities were wiped out by Dorian in the Bahamas to come to the United States, saying that other areas of the Bahamas that weren't hit should take them. And he did it in the most dickish way possible, by accusing victims of possibly being "some very bad people and some very bad gang members and some very, very bad drug dealers." So he's such a racist pussy ass bitch that he won't allow people who've lost everything to recover here in the United States.

4. When it was revealed that the Air Force had been using the Trump resort in Scotland for its crews to stay during long flights (and play golf there), as well as using the airport right near the resort to refuel at a higher price than a relatively nearby airbase, Trump claimed he had "nothing to do with" it, which, of course, turned out to be a lie, as it often does. He's such a pussy ass bitch that he can't even cop to something that he personally signed off on.

5. Trump gave the Public Safety Medal of Valor to six police officers from Dayton, Ohio, in honor of them doing their duty in taking down a mass shooter there. However, he did not invite the mayor of Dayton, Nan Whaley, because she's a Democrat and she's been critical of Trump. Instead, he had Republican political leaders from Ohio present. When you can't handle having anyone around you who doesn't kiss your ring, that's some pussy ass bitch behavior right there.

In sum, Trump is a total pussy ass bitch. Everything he does stems from him being a pussy ass bitch. His entire immigration policy is about turning us into a nation of pussy ass bitches. Every time he says something about reforming gun laws, the NRA shows him their pimp hand and he cowers back into his natural state of being a pussy ass bitch. And let's not even get into how much of a pussy ass bitch he is when it comes to the dictators in North Korea, Saudi Arabia, and Russia.

Oh, sure, he's the tough guy at his rallies. But then, well, he's surrounded by all the pussy ass bitches who support him.

Let's thank Chrissy Teigen for giving us a shorthand way to define Trump. It's especially sweet that it takes the words he used to talk about assaulting women and turns them against him.


Corporate America Is Finally Getting Sick of Your Guns

How fucking pathetic is this: Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell and his mass murder-enablers in the GOP caucus are refusing to do anything to tighten gun laws, including things that are supported by between 60 and 90% of Americans. McConnell is taking the bitch way out by saying that he won't bring to the floor anything that Donald Trump won't sign. But the NRA keeps fisting McConnell with a clenched hand filled with cash, so as long as they hit that prostate just right, the saggy-faced motherfucker won't budge.

And to make things even more pathetic, Walmart and Kroger, both of which have a huge presence in red state America, have taken action today that politicians won't take.

After a couple of mass shootings in their stores, Walmart announced that, in addition to previous steps like halting the sale of handguns and massacre guns, it's gonna stop selling handgun ammunition and "discontinue sales of short-barrel rifle ammunition such as the .223 caliber and 5.56 caliber that, while commonly used in some hunting rifles, can also be used in large capacity clips on military-style weapons." They even recognize that they're gonna lose a big chunk of sales, but, well, when you're a company worth hundreds of billions of dollars, you can afford to do something that might stop your customers from being killed.

Walmart also goes even further, though. Because idiots walking around with their big fucking rifles freak people out, Walmart is "respectfully requesting that customers no longer openly carry firearms into our stores or Sam’s Clubs in states where 'open carry' is permitted" unless you're a cop. Kroger, which is a multi-billion dollar supermarket chain based in Ohio, also put out a statement on open carry that said, in essence, "Jesus fuck, stop being such little pricks and leave your guns at home, you dumbass cowards." But they said it "respectfully." (Kroger is also being sued for negligence for allowing open carry in its stores, so it's got a bit of motivation there, too.)

The part that takes this to the next level of how deranged and out of touch Republicans have gotten is that both corporations are calling for gun control legislation. Walmart's CEO said, "We encourage our nation’s leaders to move forward and strengthen background checks and to remove weapons from those who have been determined to pose an imminent danger." Damn. He heavily suggested renewing the assault weapons ban and added that "We must also do more, as a country, to understand the root causes that lead to this type of violent behavior," which is a fuck of a lot stronger than just saying the words "mental illness" over and over.

In Kroger's statement, the company said much the same, as well as "Kroger has demonstrated with our actions that we recognize the growing chorus of Americans who are no longer comfortable with the status quo and who are advocating for concrete and common sense gun reforms."

You get it, you whores of the NRA in Congress? Two of the biggest retail corporations in the United States know that so many Americans support gun control that they don't give a shit if a few hyper-armed yahoos decide to buy their scratchy toilet paper over at the Piggly-Wiggly on the other side of town. They know that the country is shifting, and instead of being scared of not being armed, we're finally getting fucking scared of those who are armed. And we don't think the solution is more guns. In fact, we think the solution is to get rid of some of those guns.

Oh, sure, the NRA is pissing out its usual blustery bullshit, declaring that "Lines at Walmart will soon be replaced by lines at other retailers who are more supportive of America’s fundamental freedom." Really? Motherfuckers, this is Walmart. Walmart already ate the other stores. And you sure as shit ain't gettin' ol' Jesse to get on his old computer with the Confederate flag background and shop at Amazon, where Jeff Bezos makes up fake Russia news or whatever the fuck Trump is shoving in their ears. Nope, he's going back to Walmart because that's all he's got.

Walmart won't suffer any real backlash because the vast majority of the country supports the same thing, and that'll prompt more and more companies to follow suit. Supply and demand, motherfuckers, supply and demand. Maybe some of those corporations will even put their donation money where their mouth is and get GOP asses sent out to pasture (or to lobbying gigs). Republicans are essentially accessories to murder now. No company wants to be associated with that.

Goddamn, its fucked that we have to hope that capitalism will save our asses from Mitch McConnell and Donald Trump.

(Note: Gun nuts are gonna say, "What's a massacre gun? I've never heard of that." Fuck you. You know exactly what guns I'm talking about, assholes.)


A Poem for the Laborers

"Pioneers, First Women in Construction"
by Susan Eisenberg

Her sister was shot, and hers found bludgeoned
dead in her car trunk; her mother was alcoholic,
and hers a suicide; her daughter killed by an uncle,
and hers stayed alive thanks to prison.
Before the term, date-raped, she was. Before
domestic violence, love punched her face.

We wanted the career. Not just skills and money,
but structure, focus, printed plans, the rowdy order
of raising buildings that years later would still stand
right where you left them. We joined a tradition,
expected a well-marked path and a welcome.
The earnest ads never mentioned

we’d be human minesweepers steering around
barricades, sinkholes, lethal instructions, We learned
Solidarity was a corporation privately held.
Some left in shock. Some were maimed.
Some went missing. A few found gold.

Those with talent for sifting real threat from bluff,
or detecting hair-triggers before the blast, fared best,
We taught ourselves to disarm booby traps, shared
hand-drawn maps, and prepared for a long winter.
We lied on postcards home.