The Great Grovel of 2017: Republicans Declare Trump Their King

If I were the greatest fuck-genie with the biggest dick and a tongue so dexterous that anteaters get jealous, I'd be fuckin' embarrassed if my lovers kept telling me how awesome I am, how they've never squirted or vibrated with such intensity, how "exquisite" my abilities are. Hell, in reality, I'm not half-bad in the sack (as far as middle-aged men go), but, even so, I don't want every guy and gal who ever had a great rude ride to walk up to a microphone and announce that their sexual satisfaction is only due to my mad skillz. I mean, Jesus, how pathetic must you be to need that kind of ego stroke? Send me an Edible Arrangement or something.

Then again, I'm not Donald Trump, who still remains our goddamn president. Apparently, Trump is the kind of lay who needs to be told constantly that his tiny prick is huge, that his fumbling fingers are hitting the g-spot, and that your moans aren't cries of pain, but of ecstasy. In the span of a little over 4 hours, two groups of grown men and women prostrated themselves before Trump and told him how he gave them screaming orgasms.

In the afternoon, at an event that could have been called "Republicans Dance On Your Grave," Trump and congressional leaders celebrated the passage of the tax bill that, at a minimum, will fuck us while we're dry. But Senator after House member freely walked up to the microphone to praise their godhead Trump.

Senate Majority Leader Mitch "I Always Look Like Someone Surprised Me by Sticking Something in My Asshole and I Don't Know How to Feel About It" McConnell gushed like a slobbering hyena, "This has been a year of extraordinary accomplishment for the Trump administration" before listing those accomplishments, which have been listed a million fucking times before by Trump himself.

Savage creep Paul Ryan praised Trump's "exquisite presidential leadership," as if using "exquisite" to describe anything about Trump isn't a hate crime on language.

Rep. Diane Black of one of the dumbest areas of Tennessee really said, "Thank you, President Trump, for allowing us to have you as our President and to make America great again." That's porn shit right there. "Thank you for letting me suck your cock" isn't any filthier than what Black said.

There were more, but let's end with Sen. Orrin Hatch of Utah, whose picture is shown to Mormon teenagers whenever they are tempted to masturbate, who threatened, "This is just the beginning. If you stop and think about it, this President hasn’t even been in office for a year, and look at all the things that he’s been able to get done." And then he saw Trump's presidency as proof that "God loves this country." Up in heaven, God rolled his eyes and made a jack-off gesture.

As for Vice-President Mike Pence, who must drink Trump's semen as a protein supplement, no words from the effusive, humiliating praise he said could make the point more than this image from the angle Fox "news" had while Pence was speaking at a morning cabinet meeting.

What a fucking degrading display for the entire nation. Goddamn, Trump must have some serious shit on these people. Or they are just groveling tools. Or both. Either way, this was a coronation moment. They have declared Trump their king, immaculate and omnipotent, and they his loyal subjects. There are no checks now. And the world is out of balance.