Donald Trump glided over to the lectern at the Trump Penis Substitute Tower in New York City yesterday and announced that not only was he running for President, he was going to suck all the cocks. Except, as is Trump's way, there was a twist. "I'm sure you've all seen Chris Christie and Ted Cruz suck all the cocks before," he sneered. "Well, I can do one better. I will not only suck all the cocks. I will suck them all at the same time." The bought and paid for audience gasped, as they had been prompted to do. Trump waved his hands to calm everyone down. "You may think that one man can't suck every cock in this election in a single blow job," he assured the crowd, "But this is Donald Trump we're talkin' about. I suck all the cocks for a living. Now...bring me the cocks."
Even the bedraggled hobos who were promised a meal, a bottle, and a twenty for loitering around the scene for a little while were aghast as Trump began to cram cocks into his mouth. "When was the last time you saw a Chevrolet in Tokyo? It doesn’t exist, folks. They beat us all the time," Trump exclaimed, yanking on the cocks that were one-by-one inserted into his face. Shoving the cock of immigration into his hideously enlarged mouth, as if he had the jaw of a boa constrictor with particular tastes, Trump said, "It’s coming from more than Mexico. It’s coming from all over South and Latin America, and it’s coming probably— probably— from the Middle East. But we don’t know. Because we have no protection and we have no competence, we don’t know what’s happening. And it’s got to stop and it’s got to stop fast."
By this point, the people who hadn't turned away in shame, which, truth be told, were mainly the media who know a ratings magnet when they see it, wondered how Trump could possibly be heard with all those cocks in his mouth. But they didn't know that Trump had something up his sleeve, or, actually, in his pants. Already bent over to give himself more leverage with the cocks, Donald Trump dropped his Hugo Boss slacks and exposed his ass. Then he turned his ass to the microphone and started to speak with his asshole: "Our enemies are getting stronger and stronger by the way, and we as a country are getting weaker. Even our nuclear arsenal doesn’t work. It came out recently they have equipment that is 30 years old. They don’t know if it worked. And I thought it was horrible when it was broadcast on television, because boy, does that send signals to Putin and all of the other people that look at us."
Donald Trump's asshole was about as eloquent as Donald Trump's mouth and just as voluble. It would not shut up: "And that’s what’s happening. And it’s going to get worse, because remember, Obamacare really kicks in in ’16, 2016. Obama is going to be out playing golf. He might be on one of my courses. I would invite him, I actually would say. I have the best courses in the world, so I’d say, you what, if he wants to— I have one right next to the White House, right on the Potomac. If he’d like to play, that’s fine."
Finally, after about a half hour or more of sucking cocks, a bunch of cocks, all the cocks, the cocks started to orgasm, filling Donald Trump with jizz until he was coughing and gagging on it, with jizz coming out of his nose like milk after laughter. His asshole said that Trump has "a total net worth of—net worth, not assets, not— a net worth, after all debt, after all expenses, the greatest assets— Trump Tower, 1290 Avenue of the Americas, Bank of America building in San Francisco, 40 Wall Street, sometimes referred to as the Trump building right opposite the New York— many other places all over the world. So the total is $8,737,540,00. Now I’m not doing that," we were assured, "I’m not doing that to brag, because you know what? I don’t have to brag. I don’t have to, believe it or not."
Trump stood up, semen coated face and neck glistening, plucking hairs out of his mouth, muttering to an assistant, "You told me they'd all be shaved clean," and he gazed, glazed, at the cameras. "This is the challenge I give to my Republican opponents. It's not enough to suck all the dicks. We've seen that kind of leadership before in this party. Now we need a man who, as I just showed you, can suck them together because we don't have time for one dick here and one dick there."
Then he walked off as members of the media ran up to him to lick his face clean and "Rockin' in the Free World" played.