In Brief: How Much Koch Can a Koch Sucker Suck?

This June, GOP Rep. Tom Cotton of Arkansas skipped the annual Pink Tomato Festival, which is not some rural ass-fucking event (although, let's face it, to an extent, every festival in Arkansas is a rural ass-fucking event). Yeah, Cotton, running for Senate, didn't attend "the unofficial kickoff of the Arkansas general election season" in Bradley County because he was at a super-secret retreat in Laguna Beach, California, being Chinese fingercuffs for Davy and Chucky Koch, the oil billionaires who regularly tag team fuck Republicans running for office because, fuck you, they can and you can't.

Cotton and Iowa state Senator Joni Ernst and Cory Gardner of Colorado all took turns heading up to the dais to talk about how much they wanted, nay, needed the Koch cocks filling every orifice, praising the Kochs endlessly for all their ejaculations of delicious, salty money and how they can't wait to gobble up more.

Of course, the most experienced whore pranced to the microphone and took it to the next level. Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell, in audio revealed this week of the June event, said, more or less, "Yes, you can fuck my ass, fuck my mouth, get handies from my left and my right. Anyone can offer you that. But I'll pluck out my left eyeball to give you one more place to violate."

What any of them actually said is beside the point. Goddamn, the Rude Pundit is weary of reading about politicians from both parties lined up to dance for the pleasure of whatever insanely rich sultan of industry is tossing gold coins at their feet. Our bullshit election process is so blatantly corrupt at this point that, frankly, it'd be refreshing for a candidate to just walk up to one Koch or the other, drop his pants, bend over, and say, "I charge by the minute."