What Biden Should Say Tonight 2012 (Rude Version):
At tonight's debate between Vice President Joe Biden and Republican nominee Paul Ryan, if moderator Martha Raddatz asks Biden about his opinion of Paul Ryan's budget plan, and he doesn't say, "Listen, everyone, before I get to that, I want us all to take a moment and look at Paul Ryan. Just look at him for a moment. He's young, handsome, a good-looking guy, strong jaw, deep blue eyes that I'm sure made all the girls in Wisconsin just swoon. Look at him. You are literally looking at everything that's wrong with the Congress. You are looking at the problem. You are looking at the reason why we can't get a jobs bill, the reason we can't get a rational tax plan done, the reason that we can't close Guantanamo, all of it, the fact that 'compromise' is a dirty word to Republicans, it's all right there, in one package.
"So, pardon me, Martha and everyone watching and listening, if I say nice things about how he looks - hell, he's probably a good man to his family - and if I don't spend a lot of time complimenting Representative Ryan's abilities as a member of Congress. Because what you see there, behind the pretty face and the baby blues, is a man who will take everything you love and fuck it to death in front of you before burning it down. Your grandmother, your babies, your wives, your friends. Paul Ryan will line 'em up and, one by one, he'll bend 'em over and fuck them, hard, until they just give out and expire. Ryan will invite all of his Republican friends in Congress, John Boehner, Eric Cantor, that crazy cracker - Louis Gomer, Gohmert, whatever the fuck that yahoo from Texas calls himself - and he'll give 'em all shish-ka-bobs of your balls to roast on the fire he'll make out of the bodies and your house. The country's gonna burn down and Paul Ryan will simply call for more wood.
"You asked me about his budget. The one that Mitt Romney is running away from like a scared bitch from a switch? Look, you know me. I'm a good Catholic boy. I listened to my nuns all the way through school. I was told to take care of the poor. That's our responsibility. Ryan slashes everything that helps people who need help. Medicaid, food stamps, housing, it's like he's taking the bodies of those in poverty and cutting extra holes in 'em because they ones they have aren't kinky enough for him to fuck. And then he shits on their faces by cutting taxes for the rich. And then he makes them eat shit by hiking defense spending. How is that visionary? It sounds like every Republican plan ever.
"Shut the fuck up, sonny. I know everyone in your party has lined up to suck your dick like it's made of candy and shoots ice cream on their tits. But shut the fuck up and listen. You and the rest of the GOP have hurt this country by refusing to compromise on anything. That's not what makes you a statesman. It ain't your ability to slam doors. It's the ability to go down the hall and make the deal. But you're such a little pussy that even when you vote for a deal, the sequester, you deny you did it. No, Congressman. You voted to cut defense if there's no compromises on spending and taxes. Be a man. It's easy as hell to take food out of the mouths of starving children. It's really hard to tell General Dynamics that their profit margin might decline by a percent or two.
"Martha, once again I find myself on stage with someone who I wouldn't let wash my balls after I workout at the White House gym, let alone be first in line to the presidency. I've walked the walk, son. I wrote the Violence Against Women Act. I stared down Slobodan Milosevic. What the fuck have you done, junior? Come up with a new way to do the same bullshit things that Ronald Reagan and the Bushes did to fuck over the working class? Put some new makeup on the voodoo economics? Go back to school, pretty boy, and come back when you get some manners and learn your history, you child, you pathetic tool of the rich, you overhyped bullshit machine" then the debate will be useless.