A New Tax Pledge (Involving Grover Norquist's Balls):
Let us say, and why not, that the Rude Pundit created an organization, one of yer fancy 501c3's or some such shit, the kind of organization that could get lots of free-flowin' cash from his buddies and their corporations. And let us say, and, indeed, why not, since we are in the realm of theory, that our organization was called "Americans for Taxual Healing" or one of those idiotic names that obfuscates what we're really about. Let's say that we came up with a pledge, one that we wanted all members of Congress to sign, one that would liberate them, but one that demanded something from them.
The pledge could go something like this:
"I, _____, pledge to the taxpayers of the ____ district of the state of ______ and to the American people that I will: ONE, kick Grover Norquist in the balls whenever he is within kicking range; and TWO, freely vote my conscience on tax raises and cuts, dependent on the reality of economic circumstance, unshackled from bullshit pledges (except this one)."
Then, in this fantasy world we're concocting, whenever Grover Norquist walked up to a member of Congress to lobby them on his mad "never-ever, no-how, no-matter-what, you-better-not raise taxes" pledge, that member of Congress could say, "Sorry, Grover. Signed another pledge first," and kick him in the balls. As Norquist rolled around on the ground, holding his groin, he might at first wonder "Why? Why?" but then he would have to admit, "A pledge is a pledge." Yeah, that's putting the "action" into a PAC.
A self-aggrandizing dick with a dwarf's voice, Norquist told Chris Matthews on My Balls Are Hard last night, "What the pledge does is, it allows a candidate who wants to run for office to make a credible commitment to the American people that he or she won't raise taxes. Without the pledge, which is the same wording in all 50 states over the last quarter-century, a promise not to raise taxes is like any other political promise and means nothing." You got that? The word of politicians is worthless unless they sign one group's conservative loyalty oath. And if you're one of the over 250 House and Senate members who have done so, then Norquist believes that he owns your ass.
The qualities of the pledge to Americans for Taxual Healing are many. First of all, there's the sweet, sweet release that one can get when one feels one's foot connect with the soft sack between Grover Norquist's legs. There's the hilarious slow motion look of horror on Norquist's face as he thinks, "Not again" and "Oh, my balls." Then there's the extra skip in one's step as one heads onto the floor to vote in whatever way one wants.
And then ATH can hold each signer to the pledge. If we hear that Grover Norquist was able to freely come within, say, three feet of a Congress member's foot and walked away with his balls un-kicked, well, we'll run a primary candidate against that Congress member, someone willing to follow through with an assault on Norquist's nuts. Our goal is to make Norquist's testicles feel a sharp pain whenever he gets near the Capitol and thus drive him away.
Obviously, signing another pledge is the only way to get our leaders to do what we want. It's not like they have free will and can act of their own accord in loyalty to the Constitution and not Grover Norquist.