Rep. Darrell Issa: "I Will Investigate Why I Like to Fuck Penguins":
California Republican Representative Darrell Issa, who today becomes chairman of the House Oversight and Government Reform Committee, has pledged that first among the many investigations his committee will undertake will be "a thorough inquiry into my own behavior in fucking penguins," as he told a nodding Chris Wallace on Fox "news" Sunday.

On Face the Nation, Issa elaborated: "I am probably the most notorious penguin fucker in America. For the last two years, while the nation has been experiencing upheavals in the economy not seen since the Great Depression and while we have been fighting two wars, I have been busy visiting zoos and aquariums in every state in order to fuck their penguins. I have fucked penguins in the ass in my home state of California. I have fucked them in the beak in Indiana. I have fucked them in holes I created in them in New Hampshire. In fact, as you can see, I am getting an erection right now thinking about fucking penguins. If my committee can't discover why I'm fucking so many penguins, then, honestly, I think this nation is going to face a crisis of Antarctic proportions."

Asked by Meet the Press's David Gregory what he had done about his penguin fucking during the years of the Bush administration when Republicans held the majority in both houses of Congress, Issa responded, "I was too busy protecting penguins from terrorists to worry about why I was fucking them. But don't you worry. I'm going to investigate how the Bush administration turned a blind eye to penguin fucking of all types."

On ABC's This Week, Christiane Amanpour asked a sweaty-lipped Issa why he was so intent on fucking penguins. "Have you ever smelled penguin pussy?" the former car alarm magnate answered as his eyes glazed over. "My god. My. God."

In a release from his office, Issa is quoted as saying, "I will use the subpoena power of this important House committee to ensure that Americans will no longer have to wonder why they see me entering hotels with three or four penguins. I will call on doctors to explain how the horrible Issa/penguin mutant children could still be alive when medical science says it's a genetic impossibility. The first duty of the chair of the House Oversight Committee is to seek out corruption and abuse of government power. Before I seek to limit the Obama administration's power to inspect our food supply, before I waste everyone's time with a Wikileaks inquiry, before I give the biggest banks a pass at the end of a financial meltdown investigation, I must use all the power at my disposal to put an end to a question that is dogging this nation: why does Darrell Issa want, nay, need to fuck penguins?"

Issa was unavailable for comment because, his staff said, he was "hiking the Sea World trail."