Palin, Limbaugh, and O'Reilly Are Angry; Pie Still Yummy:
1. There she sits, our idiot queen, crowned by her Hollywood coif, needing two American flags in the frame of the video to tell us how really, most sincerely Americanly American she is. In a jacket and a lower-cut than usual blouse (which, truly, made the Rude Pundit think, "She needs to use more sunscreen on her upper chest"), Sarah Palin speaks to the tragedy that occurred in Arizona this past Saturday, in "our country," she says. Then, in a moment that can only be described as "Uh, is she having an orgasm?" Palin sighs, "Mmmm...our vibrant country."

To watch Palin's seven and a half minutes of self-aggrandizement and strained victimhood is to understand in a microcosmic moment how cynically Palin is manipulating her followers. Simply put, the faux absence of self-awareness isn't charmingly silly anymore. It's just dangerous and sad. Quoting Ronald Reagan, she says, "Each individual is accountable for his actions." Then she continues, "They begin and end with the criminals who commit them." If that was the case, the world would be a simpler place, no? The entire fields of sociology, anthropology, psychology, and, well, criminal justice could be banished from the courtroom. Crime doesn't happen in a vacuum. If it did, if society had no responsibility to prevent it, then someone should have told the mayor of Wasilla, Alaska, back in 2001 not to worry too much about building a nice hockey rink to keep the kids out of trouble.

But it gets worse. Later in the meandering video, in chiding members of Congress for overreacting to the shooting of Congresswoman Gabrielle Giffords, she says, "Recall how the events of 9-11 challenged our values and we had to fight the tendency to trade our freedoms for perceived security." Umm, we didn't fight for our freedoms. That's why we have people held for ten years now without charge or trial in Guantanamo Bay (something Palin supports) and why we may have to have our nuts or vags fondled at the airport.

What Palin is actually saying comes through not in her hyperbolic use of "blood libel" (the Rude Pundit actually prefers his matzoh free of Christian child blood). Instead, here she is in defiant mode: "We will not be stopped from celebrating the greatness of our country and our foundational freedoms." No, no, let's not do anything in the wake of this shooting, like consider gun control measures and greater spending on mental health programs. That would take away our liberty. How can one celebrate America's greatness unless one is allowed to shoot the fuck out of animals while saying liberals are socialists bent on murdering your grandpa with a panel? It's unpossible.

2. Saturday afternoon, Rush Limbaugh had the first erection he's had since November. He knew that once the right was attacked for its violent rhetoric, whether or not it had anything to do with Jared Lee Loughner's shooting spree, one man would emerge to defend his ilk and spew back with a bloody force like a deranged horned lizard. He called his still-fresh bride over. "Kath, get in here." Rushing in, the 4th bride of Limbaugh wondered what he wanted. She was used to seeing him without pants. It is the way he prefers to sit at his computer. "I got one, Kath," he said, pointing to just below his sagging gut. When she seemed confused, Limbaugh lifted his stomach to reveal a tiny hard-on, like a half-eaten candy cigarette. He nodded lasciviously, "C'mon, Kath, you know what to do." God, how Kath hated this, sucking on the little member like a ripped beach ball's valve, her husband's sweaty belly resting on her head, as he typed out his attack monologue about how Democrats are responsible for the shooting of a Democrat, about how liberals and the media are giving Loughner cover, about how he, Limbaugh, has no culpability and needs no moment to wonder if he bears any responsibility for the degradation of...of...shit, he came already. Kath extricated herself from her contorted position below his desk. "Thanks, hon," Limbaugh said. Kath forced a quick smile and headed off to the comfort of the multi-headed shower and sweet, sweet Xanax.

3. Trying Too Hard
O'Reilly, struggling
To stay relevant, just can't
Outcrazy Glenn Beck.