Chris Christie Disneyed For Your Snowy Sins:
Politicians who say that they couldn't do the job for which they were elected because they promised to take their kids to Disney World should be run out of office on a rail. Of course, this being New Jersey Governor Chris Christie, it'd have to be a reinforced steel rail rather than the traditional wooden one (that's because Christie is morbidly obese, ha-ha). At his press conference defending his decision to abandon his responsibilities as governor in order to fly down to Florida literally a couple of hours before a state of emergency was declared, Christie said, "I wouldn’t change the decision even if I could do it right now. I had a great five days with my children. I promised that." He added that his wife told not to even think about giving up the trip. Apparently, the next time Sarah Palin is telling someone to "man up," she should include the GOP's new porcine hero.

With no due respect, Gov. Christie, fuck your kids. And fuck your wife. You can say, as you did, "I know what my responsibility is. And I know my responsibility as a father. I wanted to be there with my kids," but you just used the oldest excuse in the book and let your apparently whiny fucking children and obviously shrewish wife take the blame for your monumental fuck-up. Here's a tip: if your first responsibility is to your kids' getting to ride Space Mountain on their Christmas break, then don't fucking run for office.

And what a vacation it must have been, since Christie says he was on the phone all the time with the Democratic Acting Governor: "Senator Sweeney and I consulted on all of the significant decisions that needed to be made during the period of my time out of the state." Imagine that: you're getting on the Tower of Terror while your Dad is on the phone "consulting" about decisions at his job while your Mom is screaming about how they haven't had a vacation since Dad was elected. That'd totally fucking suck and you'd just wanna go back to the room at the Polynesian Resort and play with your DS.

Of course, in order for it to suck, it'd have to be true, except it wasn't. Christie wasn't in constant contact, at least according to the man Christie was supposedly talking to. Sweeney told Paul Mulshine of the Newark Star-Ledger, "I never spoke to him the entire time. He and I never spoke until he got back." So either Christie or Sweeney is lying. Who could it be? (Here's a hint: It's Christie.)

None of this is to even get into the whole clusterfuck of coordination between the Governor and Lieutenant Governor, a position just created in Jersey so that the Governor could go to the Magic Kingdom with his horrible wife and selfish kids.

Look, snow happens. Big-ass snow happens, too. But, as Christie knows, with his YouTube snuff flicks of him beating down average Joes and Janes, perception is everything in good times and bad. Christie came home after he made certain his family still loved him and blamed the media, the Democrats, and the local mayors while bizarrely praising the snow removal efforts, which, having driven around a good bit of northern Jersey since the storm, the Rude Pundit can assure you sucked frozen balls. At some point, Christie lovers have to accept that the fat man's just a glory hog who loves to point his greasy, sausage-shaped fingers at everyone else, making a show of being in charge while, in reality, just abdicating when convenient.