Now That You've Asked, Why the Hell Doesn't God Do Anything About the Oil Spill?:
Really, one of the only questions left regarding the BP oil spill has to be "Why the fuck doesn't God get off his lazy ass and do something about it?" God's just sittin' around, eatin' Cheetos, trippin' balls, gettin' handjobbed by Marilyn Monroe while watchin' the World Cup, wonderin' what side he should take each game, and, hey, babe, could you use your other hand to pass that beer? Apparently, that holy sack of shit can't even take a second to pinch the oil well and seal it off.
Because if God was paying attention, then the Super Duper Prayer Team wouldn't have been called to rouse the invisible sky wizard into action. The Rude Pundit joined the Super Duper Prayer Team of the Family Research Council (motto: "Occasionally, something distracts us from gays and abortion"), and every week he receives his prayerection orders, telling him for what he's gotta drop on his knees and work that Christ crank. This week, it's oil, motherfuckers:
"Something must be done now to reduce the oil escape, waste and damage, but a television broadcast from the oval office [sic] won't get the job done. Even more important, are we listening? The troubles we face in America are all listed in Deuteronomy 28, where God promised Moses that such would happen to peoples and nations that disobey Him." Wait a second. Deuteronomy 28 is some badass shit, OT style. Is the FRC saying that we were asking for an oil leak?
The prayer target letter continues, "Do Americans, even Christians, see the hand of God in the extraordinary 'judgments' we see today? Do we recognize that Big Government cannot solve our problems but can make them worse? Will we turn our eyes God-ward and cry out to Him who is our nation's only hope?"
That's right. The Family Research Council believes that Godjeebus wants the people of the Gulf of Mexico, most of whom are churchgoing Catholics and Baptists, to suffer because "Big Government" is bad. Man, God, just stay on your couch and do nothing, 'cause you're a dick.
But, still, alas, yes, being a member of the SDPT carries its burdens. And we must pray, "May God graciously intervene to stop the gushing oil and limit the damage! May our President humbly seek God for guidance and may those who can help be released to do so." So God caused the spill to teach us a lesson, but we need to pray that he'll stop it. Yes, God is like a mob boss who can keep burning down your businesses unless you pony up what's due to him.
Of course, the President did say that "we pray that a hand may guide us through the storm towards a brighter day." And see how much good it did? Now oil is probably leaking even faster, coming through cracks in the sea floor. Hallelujah. God is...No, not "good." Apathetic at best? Bitchy at worst?