Shit What We Learned From Last Night:
Forget what the assholes on TV are saying about the various elections and initiatives from last night. Who gives a shit what Michael Steele is crowing about? (Transcendent? Really?) Here's all ye know and all ye need to know about yesterday:

1. In a nation of fat fucks, don't make fun of the morbidly obese candidate for being a fat fuck.
It didn't help that Democratic New Jersey Governor Jon Corzine was such a smug asshole about Republican Chris Christie's Farley-esque physique. But it also got in the way of a message that Christie was a corrupt Bush acolyte who had suckled at Karl Rove's teat. And even if New Jersey has the 10th lowest obesity rate in the nation, over half the state is overweight or obese, according to CDC numbers. So who, exactly, was Corzine appealing to in the ad that said that Christie "threw his weight around"? Hey, Jonny Fitness, shut the fuck up, pass the gravy, and tell us about your plans on turnpike tolls.

Besides, look at Christie. That lardy fucker ain't surviving a term without a massive coronary.

2. Voters hate it when rich pukes act like rich pukes.
As mentioned above, Corzine was kind of a prick who spent a ton of his own cash on the campaign, cash that he made while at Goldman "Has America By Its" Sachs. Mike Bloomberg may have won the New York City mayoral race, but the voters made that billionaire sweat Benjamins. Expected to win by more than ten points, Bloomberg got just 51% of the vote, spending $100 million of his money, a figure politely known as "fuckloads." New Yorkers came very close to telling Bloomberg to shove his anti-democratic third term and his filthy lucre up his ass.

3. White people should not have funny names.
"Creighton Deeds"? "Dede Scozzafava"? If your name sounds like a character in a Dickens novel, you will not win.

4. The Tea Party movement is a fraud.
One essential takeaway from the evening was that Glenn Beck can go fuck the horse he rode in on. First of all, his creepy-ass candidate with the wannabe child molester stare, Doug Hoffman, lost to Democrat Bill Owens in the 23rd District of New York, where Hoffman oddly did not live and knew nothing about. It was a fine way of expressing the universal sentiment, "Fucking go away, Sarah Palin, and take Dick Armey with you."

And, in a rebuke to the "lower-tax-less-government-look-at-my-sign" crowd, voters in Maine and Washington said "No" to the so-called Taxpayers' Bill of Rights, which would have created spending limits and made every new tax or tax increase put to a vote of the people of the states, thus making representative democracy worthless. Fuck, in Maine, voters said, "Hell, no" to directly repealing an excise tax on vehicles. Guess those people actually trust government and want it to function. Damn them.

Democrats should realize at this point that they have nothing to fear from the teabaggers. But they won't.

5. But it's still mostly okay to hate gay people.
While Washington narrowly defeated an attempt to overturn its gay domestic partnership law, Maine voters decided, by too big a margin, to ban gay marriage in that state. The same people who turned back the budget wrecking teabaggers and expanded medical marijuana distribution on the same fucking ballot voted against gay marriage. In other words, the people of Maine want their dope and a functioning government, but fuck the gays. It's as if voters in the booth thought, "Christ, I need one last backwards ass view."

There's only one way this goes: finally, a Supreme Court case is gonna have to decide the issue. This bullshit piecemeal approach is wrong-headed and degrading. Gay citizens in the United States are begging straight citizens to be kind enough to grant them the same rights. Put "female" or "black" in there, and we wouldn't even be having a discussion.

6. Barack Obama is viewed as a moderate.
In New Jersey, where Republican Christie won with 49% of the vote, 57% of voters in exit polls say they approve of the job Barack Obama is doing. In Virginia, where Republican Bob McDonnell won with 59% of the vote, Obama had a 52% approval rating. That means that, at the very least, a good number of independent voters who voted for a Republican, approve of Obama. Unless you think thousands of people can support right-wing candidates and wild-eyed liberals, these voters think of Obama as what he actually is: a moderate Democrat. And if so-called "moderates" won the day over all, as many of yer TV punditry are palavering about, then the President is seen as one of them.

Are we done until 2010 now?