Bipartisanship For Dummies:
Well, of course Barack Obama took the oath of office again. The man knows who he's dealing with: the petulant little fucks of the right who will do anything they can to invalidate his presidency. The President's no idiot. Already, conservatives in Congress are lining up like drunks in a bar with a five buck a suck whore in the back, ready to shove what they can down their remaining supporters' throats and blow their loads to get ready for the midterms.

What we're gonna see for the next few months is a prolonged hissy fit, with Republicans throwing themselves on the floor of the supermarket and rolling around and crying until they get that fuckin' box of cookies they want. Democrats and the Obama administration need to be the firm parent, the one who yanks those little bastards out of the store and say, "You know what? No fucking sweets for four years." You can see it in the punk ass hold they've put on the Eric Holder nomination. It's a toddler's power play.

Yeah, yeah, we’re all supposed to bipartisan now. We’re supposed to reach across the aisle and work together. That’s what Obama wants. Democrats may have the presidency, the Congress, and the support of most of the country, but we gotta make sure that Republicans are loved, too. Like the deformed kid in the wheelchair at the Thanksgiving table: "No, no, let’s all stop talking and listen to what Johnny has to say through his breathing tube. What’s that? You wanna go to the amusement park? But you can’t ride any rides. Okay, okay, stop thrashing and drooling. You’ll yank out your feeding IV. We’ll go after dinner."

Fuck bipartisanship. Fuck them. For most of eight years, Democrats were stomped on, left out of decisions, ignored, lied to, and forced to lick the Republicans’ taints. And no matter what awful bullshit the Bush administration wanted Congress to rubber stamp, nearly every time, Democrats would come up with some way to go along. "Okay, White House, now, you promise, no fingers crossed, that if we let you listen to phone calls and tap computers without a warrant, that you won’t use it to keep a copy of our chats with our tranny whores we met met on Craigslist? You promise? Done."

Here’s what bipartisanship meant to Republicans: let’s say a Republican and a Democrat are stuck on a desert island. The Republican knows how to survive in the wild, the Democrat knows how to build a raft. They need each other, right? They’re stuck there, and while they may hate each other, they gotta work together or they’re gonna die on the island. While the Democrat is, you know, building the raft, the Republican is gathering coconuts, keeping the fire lit, you know, that kind of shit. It’s all nice and cooperative. And then, when the raft is done, the Republican slits the throat of the Democrat, eats his flesh, drinks his blood, and uses his bones and his clothes for a sail. Bye-bye, island.

Here’s the Rude Pundit's deal: we’ll be bipartisan if you apologize. Not just an eye-rolling “We’re sorry.” Not good enough. We each need to come up with a way for Republicans to apologize. For the Rude Pundit, it’s simple. Blow jobs. He wants to get blow jobs from Republicans. Every time he meets a Republican, he wants to just point at his cock and have them nod, get on their knees. And blow him. He walks into Mitch McConnell’s office, he wants an immediate appointment for him to suck it. If he heads over to the Republican Party Headquarters, he wants to leave there raw. He goes into the Fox News bureau, he wants Greta Van Susternen on him like a Hoover on deep pile. That’s how you’ll apologize. He doesn't know what everyone else wants. There might be a whole lot of sucking and licking going on. And would that be a bad thing after eight years of getting raped?