Cap the Ass of the Giuliani Campaign:
Would someone please drag the Rudy Giuliani campaign for president behind a dumpster in some Bronx alley and put three bullets in the back of its skull? No, really, it's time for a couple of big guys in tight suits to walk up to the Giuliani campaign and tell it that it's time to take a ride. Oh, sure, the Giuliani campaign might struggle for a moment or two, might even try to flee, but, once it's in the back seat of the Escalade, seated between two gorilla-sized made guys, Giuliani's campaign will accept its fate, sadly, but with understanding that, indeed, it had to come to this. Fun as it might be, the Giuliani campaign doesn't need to be slowly tortured, for, indeed, there's not much to be learned from it other than that ash and hubris do not a President make.

No, the Giuliani campaign would just have to sit there until that big ass SUV pulled off onto a side street and was made to kneel, the last thing the Giuliani campaign seeing before it went forever dark might be toxic rats running across the cement. Such irony. In its last moments, perhaps the Giuliani campaign would regret ever having been started, wondering what spasm of chemicals and cash made it believe this was a worthy notion. And just before the first hammer falls, the Giuliani campaign would be grateful, knowing that, in the end, it was actually saving Rudy Giuliani by dying so early in the cycle.

The Rude Pundit's said it before, and he'll challenge anyone to a bare knuckle brawl who disputes him on it, that there is no reason for Rudy Giuliani to be running for President other than ego, pure and frightening in its madness. Between the fuck-ups and the seedy past and the drag queening and the stunning lack of actual accomplishments, in what way is Rudy Giuliani in any way qualified to be President? Fuck, at least George W. Bush could claim he was a governor. At least Barack Obama's in the Senate. Giuliani's major successes in New York City came about in large part because he was lucky enough to be mayor during the presidency of Bill Clinton, when the whole country's crime rate dipped. And what's his foreign policy experience? That the U.N.'s a short limo drive away from City Hall, just up the FDR a little ways? That Saudi nationals found Manhattan a fine place to attack?

In just a week, here's all the shit we've gotten about this smug fuck whose only post-mayoral triumph was in learning that combovers are a stupid hairstyle:

He's one of the people responsible for the fucked-up health of 9/11 rescuers and workers and, well, shit, lots of other New Yorkers. In his desperate "I'm-in-charge" attitude in the weeks after the World Trade Center attack, working in concert with the pathetic (especially at that time) Bush administration, Giuliani wanted to project his leadership by re-opening lower Manhattan before it was actually, you know, safe to breathe down there. Says the New York Times, "One Army Corps official said Mr. Giuliani acted like a 'benevolent dictator.' Despite the presence of those federal experts, Mr. Giuliani assigned the ground zero cleanup to a largely unknown city agency, the Department of Design and Construction. Kenneth Holden, the department’s commissioner until January 2004, said in a deposition in the federal lawsuit against the city that he initially expected FEMA or the Army Corps to try to take over the cleanup operation. Mr. Giuliani never let them." So, yeah, we really need someone else in the White House who thinks he's the only whose vast inexperience in new territory allows him the freedom to do whatever the fuck he thinks is right despite the advice of those around him. His 9/11 street cred is a chimera, a myth that is easily shredded to splinters and dust.

He's running in a party where he disagrees with nearly every social issue platform they have. When Giuliani made his "okay, okay, I'm pro-choice" speech in Houston, adding that, by the way, he supports gun control and gay civil unions, he may as well have said, "You know, just because I worship Satan and drink the blood of white babies, it doesn't mean I shouldn't be your nominee. There's room for that in the Republican party." (Feel free to insert your own Cheney joke here.) Sure, to him it's all about blowing some shit up in Iraq and letting Americans torture freely and, you know, tax cuts, don't forget about tax cuts, but he's running in a bugfuck insane Republican party that, as the sad, disappearing John McCain has learned, still means the base has gotta be blown. And you gotta act like you love blowin' 'em. Smile when that fundamentalist jizz greases your teeth shiny, Mitt. Giuliani is dead to the Christian right, and that pretty much dooms him. You don't like the Republicans on social issues? Then you're not a real Republican anymore. Welcome to the post-Reagan GOP, bitch.

Finally, Giuliani's just a motherfucker. Plain and simple. If there was ever any more evidence needed beyond his very public divorce with wife #2 (and his living with a gay couple in the aftermath), there's the well-blogged, but little-mainstream-reported, story about the poor Iowa farm couple who the Giuliani campaign asked to hold a rally on their farm to highlight the candidate's opposition to the inheritance tax. But when it turned out the VonSpreckens weren't millionaires, and thus not subject to the tax, the campaign cancelled the event. Even after the couple had worked hard to put together a good turn-out. And that makes Giuliani a total, unabashed dick. If, say, CNN picked up on the story, well, let's just say that the Giuliani campaign would be checking the window to see when that black Escalade was gonna pull up.

The more people learn about Giuliani, the more despicable he becomes. And the more disgusting his presidential ambitions seem.