What Else Would You Do With a Dick in Your Face?:
Sweet, sweet mercy, what a long, luxuriant blow job did Larry King give Vice President Dick Cheney last night on his CNN "talk" show. How carefully, gently, tenderly, even, King took Cheney's mighty python of love out of his pants and lapped it around the head before plunging, full throttle, on to deep throating the whole cock. God, you thought the 400 year-old King's spine would snap at the neck from the ferocity with which he bobbed on Cheney's knob. The scariest part was not the sounds of King hungrily lapping at the scrotum that's one heartbeat away from the presidency. And, no, it wasn't King's superhuman repression of his gag reflex. No, no, the scariest part was Cheney barely fuckin' moved. He just sat there, with that stroke victim smirk, just a-grinnin' away while King sucked like a Hoover on the deep pile setting.

Yes, it was most assuredly one magnificent hummer, with Cheney going unchallenged on anything that he said, whether it was that John Bolton's just a great, great guy; or that the war in Iraq's gonna end some time before 2009. Sometimes Cheney treated King and, by extension, all of us like we're just simpletons. When King asked Cheney about North Korea (with the hyper-intellectual, "North Korea - where's that goin'?"), Cheney's answer was the same one he'd give a group of seven year-olds on a field trip: "North Korea is a major problem. They claim that they have developed nuclear weapons." No, shit, Dick? Now just give us our juice boxes so we can get back to the bus.

Of course, the worst was the way Cheney attacked Amnesty International for daring to say that torture is bad and judicial process is good. Cheney's reaction to the Amnesty report on abuses at the Guantanamo Bay prison camp was breathtaking in that Cheney essentially set out to discredit the organization. Dick was "offended by it . . . For Amnesty International to suggest that somehow the United States is a violator of human rights, I frankly just don't take them seriously." Which is stunning, if for no other reason than Amnesty International was cited copiously in White House background papers on how fucked up Iraq was under Saddam Hussein.

See, Dick says, America is good and right and kicks ass and frees people. How could anyone so good and right and ass-kicking and people-freeing even be open to criticism?

When King directed him to addressing Gitmo in particular, Cheney took out the Constitution, international treaties, and centuries of jurisprudence and wiped the sweat and spit off his balls with them: "Remember who's down there. These are people that were picked up off the battlefield in Afghanistan and other places in the global war on terror. These are individuals who have been actively involved as the enemy, if you will, trying to kill Americans." The natural follow-up would have been, "Umm, haven't some of the people we've let go been innocent?" But, no, no, Cheney has declared 'em guilty, motherfuckers, now get back to suckin'.

Then Cheney made this statement: "In a sense, when you're at war, you keep prisoners of war until the war is over with." So, like, if, in a sense, the Gitmo campers are "prisoners of war," then, in a sense, don't they get Geneva Conventions protections? Why, if you think that, then you don't know Dick. See, way back in January 2002, Amnesty and other groups pushed for the Gitmo guests to be classified P.O.W.'s. Rumor was that Colin Powell was pushing for this, too, but Rumsfeld and Cheney took him down to the White House basement so Karl Rove could work him over with a horsewhip and a ten-inch rubber strap-on. By the time Cheney appeared on Fox "News" on January 27, he could say, "We're all in agreement -- Colin, me, Don Rumsfeld -- that these are not lawful combatants, they're not prisoners of [war]." See, they're like prisoners of war, in that we're at war and they are our prisoners, but they're not, you know, "prisoners of war." Crystal-motherfuckin'-clear.

And then Cheney gave mad props to the soldiers at Gitmo for their "humane" treatment of the prisoners there. Oh, what a vicious sense of irony has this Dick.

When Dick Cheney finally came in Larry King's mouth, it was a thunderous explosion of semen, one that jerked the ancient interviewer's head back from its force. Cheney still didn't move. He nodded a little before he yanked King by the collar and made King lick him clean, which King did gladly. There was still twenty minutes left in the interview, and Lynne was about to join them. At the commercial break, King dutifully did his tongue exercises before he plunged into that cavern.