Democrats Are Bitch-Slapping Republicans and It Feels So Good

I know we like to insist that Democrats are generally milquetoast and rational to a fault when they respond to the wrongs that are done to them. When Sen. Dick Durbin can praise the absolutely bullshit blue slip rule, which is not a requirement on what underwear Ted Cruz has to wear but is instead a way that a single senator can shitcan a judicial nominee and has been ludicrously abused by Republicans, we're into a realm where Democrats often fight with one hand tied behind their back and one foot nailed to the ground.

But this week, we've had a couple of examples of Democrats fucking done with GOP bullshit. They take off the gloves and just beat the shit out of very specific Republicans while, at the same time, implicating the entirety of the party. They are out of fucks, and it's glorious to see.

First, Fulton County Fani Willis delivered an all-time forced fisting of House Judiciary Chair Jim "I've Already Tried Bleaching the Yellowed Sweat Stains Out of My Shirt's Armpits" Jordan yesterday. Jordan had sent Willis a letter accusing her and her office of all kinds of fuckery with its indictments of Donald Trump and his lickspittles and lawyers for attempting to dick over the people of Georgia. Jordan wrote, "Your indictment and prosecution implicate substantial federal interests, and the circumstances surrounding your actions raise serious concerns about whether they are politically motivated." The letter tried to sound all respectable and legalistic as it basically said that Willis just wanted to make money and get reelected off the case and that, oh, sure, the federal government should conduct oversight. 

It also asked that Willis produce a shit-ton of documents for the committee, including "All documents and communications between or among the Fulton County District Attorney’s Office and DOJ and its components, including but not limited to the Office of Special Counsel Jack Smith, referring or relating to your office’s investigation of President Donald Trump or any of the other eighteen individuals against whom charges were brought in the indictment discussed above." 

The deadline for those documents was yesterday. Instead, Willis sent Jordan a beatdown

From the beginning, Willis accuses Jordan of, basically, obstruction of justice: "[The letter's] obvious purpose is to obstruct a Georgia criminal proceeding and to advance outrageous partisan misrepresentations." And then it goes on for 9 pages about what a fucking asshole Jim Jordan is. It's Willis dog-walking Jordan around and showing him all of his failures and stupidity and rubbing his nose in it. She calls him out on issues of federalism, on separation of powers, and more, smacking him with "Your public statements and your letter itself make clear that you lack any legitimate legislative purpose for that inquiry: your job description as a legislator does not include criminal law enforcement, nor does it include supervising a specific criminal trial because you believe that doing so will promote your partisan political objectives." Goddamn, that's how you call the devil "the devil."

But then she gets to directly responding to some of the things that Jordan alleges, and that's when she starts repeatedly kicking him in his tiny balls from behind, making sure he feels that in his taint. Shit gets personal.

"Chairman Jordan, I tell people often 'deal with reality or reality will deal with you.' It is time that you deal with some basic realities," she writes, and, man, as someone who has long said that the difference between Democrats and Republicans is how much they act on things within reality, it's practically porn to me. "Face this reality, Chairman Jordan," she continues, "the select group of defendants who you fret over in my jurisdiction are like every other defendant, entitled to no worse or better treatment than any other American citizen." She fuckin' bold-faced and italicized that, as she did with "Here is another reality you must face: Those who wish to avoid felony charges in Fulton County, Georgia — including violations of Georgia RICO law — should not commit felonies in Fulton County, Georgia." That's pretty much the font equivalent of shoving it up his ass so far that she could squeeze his heart.

Willis makes quick business of the utter nonsense that whether or not Trump is running for president has any bearing on his prosecution. Basically, she writes, "Yeah, fuck that noise." Honestly, it's like she's getting more and more geared up as she goes. She writes, "Your letter makes clear that you lack a basic understanding of the law, its practice, and the ethical obligations of attorneys generally and prosecutors specifically" before explaining the role of a prosecutor. She goes through other ways in which Jordan is a goddamn tool, including specifying how her office uses federal funding on rape cases. And tell me you don't feel a tingle in your nethers when you read, "For a more thorough understanding of Georgia’s RICO statute, its application and similar laws in other states, I encourage you to read 'RICO State-by-State.' As a non-member of the bar, you can purchase a copy for two hundred forty-nine dollars [$249]." Jordan never even took the bar exam after law school, the fuckin' loser.

She saves the biggest middle finger for the end. The letter concludes with Willis making suggestions on what Congress could be doing, which is somewhere between "oh, just fuck off forever, you sad rape enabler" and "go fuck yourself if you're not gonna make yourself even minimally useful." She asks for more federal funding for prosecutors and testing rape kits and programs for young offenders and crime labs. That's all sensible, as is her final suggestion: "As it seems you have a personal interest in the Fulton County District Attorney’s Office, you should consider directing the USDOJ to investigate the racist threats that have come to my staff and me because of this investigation. For your information, I am attaching ten examples of threats this office has received." 

Then she brings it all home by showing just how sick of this shit she is: "I am providing these examples to give you a window into what has happened to my staff and me as I keep the promise of my oath to the United States and Georgia Constitutions and do not allow myself to be bullied and threatened by Members of Congress, local elected officials, or others who believe lady justice should not be blind and that America has different laws for different citizens." It's gotta suck for Jordan that she's not only not afraid, but she's willing to utterly, publicly decimate him. 

It's just gonna be embarrassing when Jordan decides to escalate this and goes on Jesse Watters's nightly hour of conspiracy theories and pure lies or wherever to perspire and spit about Willis. Willis won't care. She's gonna pants all these motherfuckers and point out how tiny their dicks are.

One more Democrat worth mentioning: Sen. John Fetterman, a sumbitch who has been through hell physically and emotionally and lost his bag of fucks a long time ago, was asked by reporters about Republicans threatening to impeach President Biden. Mincing no words, Fetterman said, "Go ahead and do it, I dare you, If you're gonna keep threatening it, then go ahead, just do it...It would just be like a big circlejerk on the fringe right. Your man has what, three or four indictments now? Sometimes you just gotta, you know, call their bullshit."

Fetterman didn't hold back when asked about a possible indictment for Hunter Biden, saying, "They have a fetish for Hunter Biden. And if they really want to keep going at it, that's up to them, but he's not... on the ballot."

Finally, Fetterman was asked about a rail safety bill that he was supposed to be working on with Republican Senator J.D. "Meemaw wouldn't recognize me" Vance. The Pennsylvania senator said that Vance was too busy working on a bill to ban mask mandates and was "fixated...on silly performance art" that will never pass instead of doing something that might actually help people.

Can we please have more bitch-slappings like this? Can we get it on promoting how Democrats fucking saved the US economy and made it stronger? Can we get it on immigration and trans rights and more? Just shove Republicans against the wall, rhetorically, and bitch-slap them back and forth. Rhetorically. Of course.