Alabama Gut Check

Hey, Alabama, Rude Pundit here. Listen:

Most of the country thinks you're a bunch of toothless, backwards-ass country hicks and rednecks who would rape any human or animal that crosses your path. It ain't just the elitist coastal states that think that. We thought that in Louisiana. We thought that in Tennessee. We thought that in Indiana. You're all donkey-humping, incest-loving, dumbass, uneducated and proud, KKK robe-wearing, bullshit Christian shitheels who treat women like dirt and non-whites like less than dirt. Yeah, most of the country sees you like that. And the dumb fucks among you will say you don't care what outsiders think. We can all go fuck ourselves, right?

But, see, I happen to know another Alabama. I know the people who give an enormous shit about science in Huntsville, and I'm not just talking about the tech industry and the space industry there. I'm talking about the whole goddamn city where every job relies on the people who understand reason and science and education. I know the large populations of black people in places like Birmingham, Montgomery, and Mobile. And I know that Auburn and 'Bama aren't just there for football. Some serious shit happens at those places.

You are at a crossroads right now with the candidacy of Roy Moore for the U.S. Senate. As of now, Moore is accused of:
-Forcing a 14-year-old girl to fondle his dick through his underwear while he fondled her through hers.
-Trying to force a 16-year-old girl to give him a blow job in his parked car.
-Skeeving on teenage girls so much as a 30something year-old man that a mall in Gadsden, which, c'mon, Alabama, that is pretty much the Alabama-est place in Alabama (except for maybe Dothan),  banned Moore from the place in the early 1980s.

How must it feel to be a rational Alabaman and see all these people defending Moore, strenuously, desperately trying to find a way to contort sexual assault and child molestation to fit a narrative about the culture wars. How awful that must be to watch your fellow state citizens do absolutely stupid shit like the 50 pastors who signed a letter of support for Moore.

If you're on the fence here, goddamn, you have to ask yourself, "Is it worth this to make sure that someone who pisses off the libtards gets into office?" And if your answer is "Hell, yeah, I'd rather a pedophile than a Democrat," well, you're not really even human, let alone American, at that point.

Who am I to tell you what to do, Alabama? I'm just a Northeast liberal, vaguely Jewy, faggier than you like, even though the majority of my life was spent in the South and Midwest. But, you know, that fucks up the narrative you've constructed for anyone who thinks you should stop being so fucking cravenly, obviously, hypocritically dumb.

But you know what growing up in the South taught me? You know what all those trips to Alabama and Mississippi let me know? If there's one thing that you fuckin' hate other than Yankees and Negroes, it's people gettin' all high and mighty about shit. So, c'mere, and listen for a fuckin' second, Jesse and Skeeter, while I talk to you in your degraded, demi-human language.

Roy Moore was a District Attorney when he was trying to deflower young white girls. That motherfucker held that over those girls. He said to Beverly Young Nelson, after he tried to get her to suck his dick, "You're just a child and I am the District Attorney of Etowah County, and if you tell anyone about this, no one will ever believe you." How would you like him talking to your sister like that? What kind of man is that? The kind of man who will use his power to crush the little people, like you. The kind of man who takes advantage of people who can't fight him.

Well, now you can. You can vote against him. You can stand up to someone who is a bully. You can demand he get out of the race. You can vote for the Democrat, Doug Jones, as honorable a man as you'll find in these filthy times. Or you can just stay home.

And don't believe the people who tell you that you can vote for Moore and he'll be expelled from the Senate, which would let your governor appoint someone. Do you trust Congress that much?

It's a gut check, Alabama. You can prove everyone wrong, or you can just keep being fuckin' Alabama, with your shit education system, your shit health care, your shit economy, and your shit government.

Whether you believe in it or not, it's time to evolve, motherfuckers.