Russian Election Interference: We Need to Know and We Need to Know Now

Let's get one or two things straight from the outset here about the hacking of the email servers of the DNC and RNC:

We don't know for sure how Russia was attempting to influence the presidential election. Oh, there is plenty of smoke coming at us from the CIA, the FBI, and every other agency that collects data, spies, or just generally fucks with people. We've known that since at least early October, but, you know, it's hard to pay attention to that when a tangerine-haired howler monkey is screeching, "Emails!" across the tops of the jungle trees and the other howler monkeys are hooting along. But the public hasn't been shown the evidence that hackers associated with Russian intelligence agencies were screwing with the apparently far-too-pliable minds of the average American voter. Yeah, we can make some assumptions, and, really, and, c'mon, lots of this shit is pretty goddamn obvious. But, unlike pizza parlor child molestation ring fantasies, some of us like to be shown proof, especially from the goddamn CIA, before we sharpen our pitchforks and pour lighter fluid on our torches.

And that's why we must keep pressure on Congress, on President Obama (who needs to get out in front on this, transition be damned), on journalists to investigate this shitstorm before it engulfs us all. We need answers and we need them fast. Donald Trump's election already has an asterisk next to it because the one historic aspect of it is that he lost the popular vote by nearly 3 million. We don't need to find out in a year that Russia dicked us harder than a horny bear on a rotting log. By then, we'll be chest deep in whatever flood of fuckery Trump and his superfascist team of generals and capitalist pigs have planned, and it's a hell of a lot easier to stop something from happening than extricating yourself from it once it's happening. Ask anyone who's had cancer or gotten hooked on heroin. No, you stop this now if it needs to be stopped.

If Trump was anything like a decent human being and a patriotic American, he'd be leading the call for investigations. In fact, if he gave a happy monkey fuck about anything other than his ascension to whatever realms of blind power and emperor-like wealth he hopes to attain, he'd ask Congress to postpone the Electoral College vote until there was some kind of closure on the issue of election interference. The only reasons not to be leading the charge for legitimacy is that Trump either knows that he better get his wee paws on the executive branch so he can start fucking with people before anyone subpoenas his taxes or he colluded in some way with Russia, even if it was something as bizarre as, fuck, who knows at this point, let's say...paying off Putin to keep the RNC emails quiet. This is all so absurd that we're out of Robert Ludlam-land and headed straight to Don DeLillo-ville (read a fuckin' book).

After all the lunatic conspiracy theories of this stupid century that's in its hormonal teenage years, the 9/11 insider job, the climate change "hoax," birtherism, and the multiple nefarious crimes of Hillary Clinton and her cronies, we are facing something that is more real than any of it. Right now, there is more evidence than all of those combined times 1000 that Russia, a nation that is antagonistic to the United States, might have, at the very least, taken advantage of a trove of hacked emails to push the needle just enough to get a dangerously inexperienced egomaniac with business ties to Moscow elected president. (This is not to mention the assist from the Republican FBI director.) It's also entirely possible that Russia fucked with the election on multiple fronts, up to and including manipulation of a candidate. And the evidence is not coming from internet savages and talk radio masturbators, but from sources at intelligence agencies and major media outlets. Yeah, the CIA has done a shit-ton of evil in the world. But they sure as hell aren't always wrong.

So all of this is scary, man. Like stomach-dropping scary. One preservation instinct that will kick in really quickly is to try to forget about it, to just let the installation of the Trump presidency happen and go about our business. We all pretended that George W. Bush actually won in 2000 and didn't burn the joint down. Except this time is different. People across the political spectrum understand that Trump is a real and present danger to Americans, whether through eliminating their health insurance or getting us into more idiotic wars. We need to know the extent of Russian interference as quickly as possible. And, if such interference existed, the election itself needs to be challenged on every possible front. Take things to the Supreme Court. If President Obama has evidence that the Trump campaign had any coordination with Russia in regards to the hack, the response needs to be forceful and direct, possibly including arrest of those involved. Either we give a damn about democracy or we don't. At the very least, let us believe that Trump was elected without foreign intervention. Let us just be disappointed with his idiot hordes as he sends us to the reeducation camps.

The point here is that we are exploring uncharted lands, filled with starving alligators, rapist pirates, and syphilitic prostitutes with teeth around their assholes. Tread carefully, motherfuckers, because one wrong step and horror awaits you.