Family Research Council: Pray That God Smites Anyone Who Wants to Gay Marry

Oh, we members of the Super-Duper Prayer Team have our work cut out for us now. The Rude Pundit joined the Super-Duper Prayer Team of the nutzoid evangelical Family Research Council (motto: "Jesus's beard didn't have any fecal matter in it") many moons ago under a nom de rude, and each and every week he receives his prayer movement orders from on high, telling him what-for and why-for he should slap his hands together, get on his knees, and squeeze out a prayer loaf. It's like if Moses walked down with a new tablet every Wednesday.

Now, with the Supreme Court all but assured to make it legal for the queers to get queer married all queerly, we are on high alert. "Thanks to all who joined us in prayer and fasting over the past 21 days," the holy email starts, and the Rude Pundit hoped God didn't see the cheeseburger he was holding. Then it goes on to tell us that "If this case is ruled wrongly, the freedoms of millions of Americans will be put into jeopardy and this will have grave consequences for the future of our nation."

Holy shitballs, our freedom? Will we have to gay marry? If we do, can the Rude Pundit have dibs on Nicholas Hoult? No, no, we gotta pray to make sure it doesn't happen. And, luckily for the SDPT, we are told exactly what to tell Jesus: "May God's people continue to cry out to Him! May we yet see miracles of restraint by our Justices and a ruling that upholds God-ordained marriage as between a man and woman!" Yessir, that's a bunch of exclamation points, so we gotta whoop and holler.

And we get verses o' the Bible to help us along. Like James 3:14-18, which says, "But if ye have bitter envying and strife in your hearts, glory not, and lie not against the truth. This wisdom descendeth not from above, but is earthly, sensual, devilish. For where envying and strife is, there is confusion and every evil work." Wait, wait, wait, who is envious of whom? Are we supposed to envy gay weddings because they're so well decorated?

The next prayer is a little clearer. It's for a poor pair of very straight bakers who were fined for refusing to bake a gay cake for a gay wedding. So we gotta cry out, "May God awaken the American people and the Supreme Court to see what they would be doing by redefining marriage!" Yeah, no gay cake. No one wants a cake that wants to fuck other cakes. The Bible verse here is a whole lot clearer. It's 2 Kings 16-22, which says, in part, "Elisha prayed unto the Lord, and said, Smite this people, I pray thee, with blindness. And he smote them with blindness according to the word of Elisha."

Goddamn, that Elisha has some major pull with the Lord. Of course, it was just blindness, which God reverses when Elisha asks him to. Still, that's kind of fucked up. What the FRC is telling the SDPT to pray for is that gays and lesbians will be smited blind until they no longer want to get gay married. Well, shit, better get prayin'.

The things we gotta do on our knees to make the world a better place.