Oil Spills? Coal Mine Explosions? War Overseas? Nothing Compared to the Real Threat:
As BP's lies, greed, and incompetence destroy the Gulf Coast, as North Korea is gettin' all ship-sinky with South Korea, as we pass the thousand mark in soldier deaths in Afghanistan, let us never forget who the true villains are: gay people. Specifically, gay people who want to serve the nation in the military and also be open about what flavor they like to lick. Oh, and let's not forget the traitorous straights who want to enable the barracks love that, for now, dare not speak its queer name.

How does the Rude Pundit know? Because he got a letter from Tony Perkins, President of the Family Research Council (motto: "George Rekers? We don't know no stinkin' George Rekers") telling him so. In rhetorical flourishes that'd make RuPaul wince at how flamingly over the top they are, Perkins writes (really), "I fervently believe the glorious Star-Spangled Banner should wave over our soldiers, sailors, airmen, Marines, and Coast Guard heros. President Obama wants to raise the rainbow flag of the homosexual rights movement over them." What do you say to that other than "Goddamnit, Tony, do you have to be such a drama queen about everything?" (By the way, that's Perkins' misspelling of "heroes." Maybe "e" is too gay-looking.)

And the answer would be, "Yes, Tony Perkins does have to be such a drama queen because Christ died bleeding on the cross to make sure that gays can't get on the mess line with seamen or that lesbians can't dive in the trenches with straight women." Perkins' letter continues with the nightmare scenario that would follow the repeal of Don't Ask, Don't Tell: "Soldiers will be forced to live in close quarters with people who view them as sexual objects. Morale will plunge, discipline will suffer, and unit cohesion -- the glue that holds the military together -- will fall apart and dramatically weaken our national defense capability." Yes, we wouldn't want them to be less sticky.

How does Perkins know this? Well, he's talked to "military leaders." And "I served in the U.S. Marine Corps. I know what it's like to live in an open barracks, dress, and shower in front of 70 other men. I know what happens when straight soldiers demand that you hand job the fattest member of the platoon while everyone else jacks off on you until you're covered in jarhead spunk." (One of those sentence is made up. The rest is all Perkins.)

After begging for money to fight the gay menace (or, as Perkins puts it, "the homosexual lobby," which is probably mauve carpeted and lined with gold lame'), the FRC president gives us a Bible passage to move us to action. That'd be Ephesians 6:13, which reads, "Therefore put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand."

Of course, a few verses earlier, Ephesians 6:5 advises, "Slaves, obey your earthly masters with respect and fear, and with sincerity of heart, just as you would obey Christ." But, as with trying to figure out what really matters in this world, you always have to ignore the things that make your side look bad.