John Yoo Is a Piece of Shit: Even if given a free pass from prison and lawsuits, there's still precious few asses that the Rude Pundit would waste his time kicking. 'Cause, see, if you've never been a real fight as a grown up, something that no one tells you is that it fucking hurts, even if you win. Your hands will be fucked up - bloody and cut, and you'll be lucky if you don't break your knuckles. This doesn't even get into what it feels like if your opponent gets in a few good licks, the throbbing in your face, the ache in your gut. And you know all that adrenaline that tightens up every muscle in your body when you get into a car accident and how you feel like whiplashed shit no matter the outcome? Yeah, you'll feel that, too. It sucks. And, unless you're one of those assholes who gets into throwdowns every weekend because you're too fuckin' stupid to use your brain, you would do best to avoid it. But, again, only in theory, in that fantasyland of "get out of jail" free cards, the Rude Pundit would totally beat the living fuck out of legal "scholar" John Yoo. Not just because he was one of the primary bastards who gave the Bush administration irrational cover for its blatantly unconstitutional policies on detention, torture, and denial of rights. But because he's such a wad of fuck, a dullard prick who, as a professor, is actually given positions to directly influence the minds of students. And since the Rude Pundit knows a thing or two about academia, that insults him to the core. In a softball interview with the Orange County Register this week, new OC resident Yoo reveals that he has no self-doubts about his role in undermining the very foundations of the United States. And he's just such a cocksucker about it all. Here's Yoo's attitude towards the legislative branch: "Congress always wants to participate, and it wants to watch what the executive branch is doing and criticize when (Congress) thinks (the executive branch is) getting it wrong. It likes to take responsibility when things go well." It's no wonder that every memo he wrote was not about how to work with Congress, but how to defeat its will like the members were al-Qaeda's accomplices. And on those memos, Yoo ne regrette rien: "These memos I wrote were not for public consumption. They lack a certain polish, I think – would have been better to explain government policy rather than try to give unvarnished, straight-talk legal advice. I certainly would have done that differently, but I don't think I would have made the basic decisions differently." It's sort of like how Torquemada always thought the iron maidens in the dungeon squeaked too loudly, but who has the time to lube the hinges? See, John Yoo is a man with a clear sense of right and wrong: "Your client the president, or your client the justice on the Supreme Court, or your client this senator, needs to know what's legal and not legal. And sometimes, what's legal and not legal is not the same thing as what you can do or what you should do." One would think that logic would dictate that if it's not "legal," then by definition it's something you can't do. Unless, well, you expand the notion of legal to include anything your client wants to do. Like if you're trying to fuck a goat's asshole and it's just too tight to accommodate you. You could take that as a sign that perhaps you shouldn't be fucking the livestock. But if you're John Yoo, you just cut a hole in the side of the goat and start fucking it there. And for John Yoo, there is no such thing as middle ground. Talking about the memos, Yoo said, "We didn't seek out those questions. 9/11 kind of thrust them on us. No matter what you do, there's going to be a lot of people who are upset with your decision. If Bush had done nothing, there would be a lot of people upset with his decision, too." See? You either abandon all the rights and principles of the Constitution or you do nothing. Black or white, motherfuckers, black or white. Gray is for pussies. Fuck this guy. Every time a student walks into his classroom, he or she should take a huge shit on his desk and use his assignments to wipe their asses. To put it another way, would you trust a calculus teacher who can't even tell you what 1+1 equals?