Ten Reasons Why You Wouldn't Want to Be Married to Alberto Gonzales:
The Bush administration is aiding and abetting Alberto Gonzales in his attempt to weasel out of allegations of perjury. See, remember, Gonzales told the Senate Judiciary Committee that, when he tried to put the testicle electrodes on a hospital-bedridden John Ashcroft in 2004, it wasn't about "the program the President discussed with the American people." Apparently, it was a more extreme version of the program, one that had been in place since 2001, that James Comey and Ashcroft didn't want to renew, probably one where the government just spied on whoever the fuck it wanted without warrant or cause.

In other words, Gonzales's defense is that it couldn't be perjury because the spying program he was talking about was revised after that meeting, so it couldn't have been the revised one because the revised one didn't exist until after the hospital face-off that nixed the extreme one. What fun. Makes one pine for the days of "what is is" and definitions of what acts legally comprise "sex."

And how cool must it be to be married to Alberto Gonzales. Think about the excuses (be sure you hunch over and slightly smirk and speak with a pussy little voice filled with barely contained contempt):

1. The garbage he was asked to take out at 5 p.m. is different than the garbage in the same bag after dinner at 8 p.m.

2. The woman he fucked is not the same woman she was before he fucked her because now she's swallowed his semen.

3. The dishes he was asked to do are not the same as the dishes in the sink now because the food has crusted on them.

4. The gay porn he was asked to get rid of is not the same gay porn he has now because it's crispy with new semen.

5. The lawn he was asked to mow last week is not the same lawn as it was because, well, lawns grow.

6. The dog he was asked to bathe earlier is not the same dog it is now because it's sticky with his semen.

7. The bills he was supposed to pay last month are not the same bills this month because credit cards accrue interest.

8. The hobo buried in the backyard is not the same hobo he killed last month because it's decomposing and, yeah, it's covered in his semen. And missing its eyes. Cheney must have visited.

9. The Paris vacation he took his wife on is not the same as the Paris vacation he promised her when they were young because Paris is more Muslim now.

10. The U.S. Constitution he follows is not the same U.S. Constitution that was created back in 1787 because it's been stained with...well, you get the idea.