A Rude Note of Encouragement To College Republicans:
Hey, crazy College Republicans, it's time to step up for Uncle Sam, Lady Liberty, and good ol' George W. Bush. Ya see, with recruitment for active military and reserves (which, these days, is like active military but without things like benefits) going down faster than a hot coed at a Campus Conservatives for Christ informational mixer, the brave boys and girls in uniform need some new blood to be spilled on the hot streets of Basra and Baghdad.

Man, you College Republicans are da bomb, a'ight, with your Talking Points on Terror that say, "U.S. forces are now working alongside Iraqi security forces to defeat terrorists in militants in the country. America and our coalition forces helped to end the Saddam Hussein’s brutal regime, and now that we are helping to promote peace and democracy, the American people are safer." And, in your Muslim Outreach section, you say, "Due to the strong leadership and compassion of our President, the country of Iraq is securing a stable and prosperous future despite those who would thwart the progress." Well, sweet shit, 18-22 year-old motherfuckers, the campaign is over. Your re-elected President o' compassion needs your tender, young flesh to continue the march to a free Iraq. Otherwise, well, shit, the terrorists win, no?

College Republicans National Committee Chair Eric Hoplin, you'd be a fine example to the rest of your organization if you went down to the local Army office and said, "Sign me up, Sarge. And put me on the front lines." Or howzabout Minnesota College Republican Chair Jake Grassel. Just hop on over to the St. Paul Marine recruiting office. Imagine how much the ladies would like you in the dress blues.

Goddamn, Stephen Puetz, Chairman of the California College Republicans, you've been so busy getting thousands of fine, delusional youngsters to join your group, as well as working to suppress the free speech of Michael Moore and meeting your wife at a Bush volunteer get-together that you forgot that there's a way to really put up or shut up: ask your Vietnam vet Dad how the Navy can make a man of you. Or you could just take a page from Michael Davidson's bio - he's running for chair of the CRNC and "hopes to join" the Marines in 2007.

Al Jiwa
at Yale, Evan Baehr and Rachel Rawson, daughter of a Marine, at Princeton, don't just leave it up to the officers at non-Ivy schools. Show everyone a Yalie can take shrapnel in the leg like a UConn student. Show the other College Republicans over there how to scream in Latin that it fuckin' burns and goddamn why are we here and, fuck, don't-let-me-lose-the-leg.

The 56th Annual CRNC Convention starts in a little over a week. There, fine speakers like Tom DeLay, Grover Norquist, and David Horowitz will whip you into a fevered frenzy of Bush-worship masking as patriotism. Surely, you will bow your heads and pray for the lost and injured in Iraq and Afghanistan. Surely, you will parade the few of your own who have been there. Surely, you will spend time honoring all your heroes who went to Vietnam, like DeLay, Dick Cheney, George Bush, Karl Rove...oh, wait. That explains why you're College Republicans.