Note to Republicans: It's Not the Sex; It's Your Hypocrisy

If you bring up that Donald Trump fucked porn star Stormy Daniels, who now is suing Trump in order to be able to speak out about their fucking, with many Republicans, they will immediately jump to his defense by invoking other presidents. A conservative spoogebucket in his own right, Stephen Moore put this most succinctly on CNN last night when he sputtered, "Who would have ever thought that we had a president that had sex out of marriage. I mean, certainly not Bill Clinton or John F. Kennedy." Or Eisenhower or Harding, if we're gonna play that game of "Who's not president now?"

But here's the deal, you convenient moralists of the right: Most of us on the left don't give a shit about politicians who consensually fuck other adults. Let 'em fuck. Let 'em fuck in marriage, out of marriage, while married to other people. Let 'em fuck people of the opposite sex, people of the same sex, L's, G's, B's, T's, Q's, whoever. Fuck away. Fuck porn stars. Fuck waiters. Fuck bus drivers. Fuck doctors. Fuck and fuck and fuck.

What we have a problem with is that the right decided to be hypocritical assholes about the fucking. We might not care about Trump's porn star fucking. We sure as hell care if he is open to blackmail. We sure as hell care if he misused campaign funds to keep the porn star quiet. You're the ones who are supposed to care about who's fucking who. That's one of the big things the "culture war" you started was about.

For some of us, it goes back to the moment when Bill Clinton had to sit there on 60 Minutes in January 1992, Hillary by his side, and apologize for his affair with Gennifer Flowers. Clinton did it not because Democrats were piling on him (although some were), but because Democrats were scared shitless (as Democrats often are) that Republicans wouldn't let it go if Clinton won the nomination, which, of course, he did. Clinton apologized then. Later, he apologized for getting a blow job from Monica Lewinsky in the Oval Office, but Republicans still impeached him. Oh, they'll say it was for perjury, but it was for lying about having an affair.

Now, we have to sit here and watch Republicans contort themselves to defend Donald Trump, a man who fucked around on his first wife with the woman who became his second and bragged about it; a man who fucked around on his second wife with multiple women, as he himself told a newspaper; a man who fucked around with other women during his third marriage, including fucking Stormy Daniels shortly after his third wife gave birth to his fifth child. And the very groups, indeed, the very individuals that condemned Bill Clinton (and Barack Obama, as loyal a family man as may have ever held the presidency) gladly say that they give Trump a "pass" or a "mulligan" on his affairs because he's a "changed" person now.

Bill Clinton fucking apologized. Bill Clinton fucking went to church all the time. Donald Trump has never apologized, never admitted wrongdoing, and never goes to church. If you condemned Bill Clinton but have no problem with Trump, fuck you in every hole you have and in a few that you don't.

Meanwhile, Republicans want to deny equal rights to gay and lesbian Americans simply because of who they fuck. They want to allow for exemptions to civil rights laws under the broadly and stupidly defined banner of "religious freedom" because, they say, people shouldn't have to compromise their relationship with an invisible sky wizard and bake a cake for a same-sex wedding, for instance.

Yet the very book about what their invisible sky wizard likes and doesn't like has precious few verses about same-sex fucking. You know what it's got a metric shit-ton of verses about? Adultery, motherfuckers. Old Testament, New Testament, all over the fuckin' Bible, adultery is seen as one of the most fucked up things you can do. It's one of the Ten goddamn Commandments.

It seems like if you actually feared the opinion of an invisible sky wizard, you'd think that he'd fuck you up for not condemning an adulterer. But you can bet that if Donald Trump waddled his mistress-boning ass into a place like Masterpiece Cakeshop, the oh-so-Christian bakers would fall over themselves to bake him whatever the fuck he wanted, even a cake for wedding #4.

You get it, conservatives? Over here on the promiscuous left, most of us think fucking should be a blessing. We think condemning people for fucking is bullshit. We're consistent in that belief.

The defining characteristic of what is laughingly referred to as "contemporary conservatism" is a shameless hypocrisy that shows there are no core beliefs to it beyond rank racism, sleazy sexism, and corrupt capitalism.

By the way, for the record, Stormy Daniels is also a director and writer of dozens of porn films. She has even moved into producing them now. She's not just a porn star. She's a porn maven. She's a business person who knows where her bread gets buttered. And if she's the one whose lawsuit ends up bringing down Trump, well, it'd be as beautiful as the glass dildo in her film Pussy Sweat.