If I Could Talk to Ted Cruz Right Now, Here Are a Few Things I'd Tell Him

Upon hearing that Ted Cruz endorsed Donald Trump for president, a few thoughts went through my head. They were things I'd say directly to the sad senator, if I had the chance to say them to him.

1. Man, I hope that golden plate of shit you're eating sure tastes good.

2. Did Trump at least give you a reacharound while he was fucking you in the ass? What am I saying? Of course, he didn't give you a reacharound.

3. So I assume that your father did work with Lee Harvey Oswald.

4. And that you've decided that Heidi is kind of ugly.

5. What breed of servile puppy dog are you now?

6. They make spines cheap these days. They disappear just a little while after you start using them.

7. It's good to know that terrible people continue to be terrible, even when they've had a chance at redemption.

8. Holy crap, they must be laughing at you in Trump Tower tonight. Like, really deep, gasping guffaws.

9. I just want to know: did you give away a night with Heidi, too?

10. Mostly, though, the turds are sitting there on the shiny plate, just waiting to be devoured by a mouth too eager for approval.

11. Honestly, this act of pure cowardice couldn't have happened to a nicer guy.