(Not So) Wild Conjecture About What Dennis Hastert Did That Was Worth Blackmailing Him Over

Former Speaker of the House Dennis Hastert, the corpulent cocksucker who gave us the Patriot Act and the unwritten rule that a majority of the majority must support something in order for it to even come to a vote and who shepherded through the worst of George W. Bush's America-wrecking agenda, was indicted yesterday on the relatively benign charges of not reporting certain financial transactions properly and of lying to the FBI about what those transactions were for. However, as the indictment reveals, Hastert was using the money, $3.5 million, to pay off someone for their silence on something. In other words, he was being blackmailed.

What was worth blackmailing Hastert over isn't named. But the indictment itself begins, beguilingly, with facts that are "material to this indictment." The first of those material items is "From approximately 1965 to 1981, defendant John Dennis Hastert was a high school teacher and [wrestling] coach in Yorkville, Illinois." The presumptive blackmailer, Individual A (for now), is from Yorkville, Illinois.

According to the documents, "In or about 2010, Individual A met with defendant John Dennis Hastert multiple times. During at least one of the meetings, Individual A and defendant discussed past misconduct by defendant against Individual A that had occurred years earlier." Several times, the indictment refers to an effort by Hastert "to cover up his past misconduct."

Of course, barring further information, the first thing that pops into one's mind is "He totally fucked some kid." Or "He totally fondled some kid." Or "He totally had some kid fuck him." Or "He totally jacked off while some kid watched him." Or "He totally fucked some kid's dog." Or "He totally watched some kid shower and told him to jack off." Or "He totally was fingering his own asshole while making some kid fuck a dog."

As the Rude Pundit was writing this, the Los Angeles Times came out with a story quoting a source saying, "It's about sex" during Hastert's time at the high school. So now we just need to see what flavor of harmful sex it was.

The only truly funny thing about what looks to be another sad, sordid tale is how utterly shocked Hastert's former colleagues are, the lying shits. They called him "Coach" for a friendly nickname that now sounds skeevy and sinister. He was supposed to be the clean guy in the wake of foulness that was Gingrich. Hastert was Bush's bottom for six years, until Democrats took back the House. It makes sense, in its way, that the allegedly honorable heart of the Republican destruction of the nation belonged to someone who was dark and depraved.

(By the way, not for nothing, but blackmail is a crime, too, even if the blackmailer was sexually abused by the blackmailed person. Can we assume that Hastert's recipient will be arrested?)