Can Anal Beads Help Save Kansas?

It's all been shitty news lately, so we could use something to help us get through the rest of the week. And the Rude Pundit has it. Listen, children:

The state of Kansas is going to sell sex toys to help ease some of its economic woes. No, really. For example, among other items, the insane, right-wing government of insane right-winger Sam Brownback is auctioning off the "All American Real Skin Latin American Mini Whopper 4In Vibrating Straight Dong," which is advertised as "It's her turn to make it 'his turn.'" That means Gov. Brownback is selling an item meant to imitate a Latino cock for use in ass-fucking. (Note: Some of the links here contain dildos, anal beads, clamps of various sorts, and more. But you can get 'em cheap.)

So you may have read that Kansas is in the midst of a royal fucking by die-hard trickle down Republicans who took over the state and turned it into a mad economics experiment that has failed by just about any measure. Not only has the state failed to create more jobs, its tax revenue is far, far behind the rest of the nation. "The state had a stunning 42.9 percent reduction in individual income tax revenue in the April-June period compared with a year earlier. The national decline was just 7.1 percent," says the Nelson Rockefeller Institute of Government. Total tax receipts dropped 21.9% compared to 1.9% for the nation. That is almost all due to huge tax cuts that Brownback made on mostly the wealthiest Kansans, and it's left the state in the hole for $300 million just for the fiscal year.

Now, one business that owed $164,000 in back taxes was United Outlets LLC, which ran the sex store business Bang, which used to be conveniently located in a large Kansas town near you. But due to its owner's failure to pay, the state government seized Bang and all of Bang's merchandise. And that's why now, in one of the only states with anti-sodomy laws still on the books, the government will gladly sell you the Anal Invader with Cock Cage, which is "Not for Novices" (no, sir, it is not).

Perhaps the legislators will send their aides to pick up their packages at the Equip-Bid auction house. Imagine the moans coming down the halls of the statehouse as senators learn that their Tommy Gunn Cyberskin Cock has a suction cup that will hold it steady on their chairs so they can slowly sit down, their tender, virgin assholes finally experiencing penetration, their prostates tickled and pumped. For just a moment or two, they won't think they're in Kansas anymore.

Maybe Mrs. Brownback would like the Fetish Fantasy Extreme Clit 'n Tit Power Pump while the governor, wearing the Fetish Fantasy Doggie Hood, is balls deep in latex boobs with his Pipedream Extreme Fuck My Big Fat Titties headless bust. Extreme masturbation is the best kind.

Of course, the kicker to this is the defense that the Kansas Department of Revenue offered when Democrats said, "Umm, that's kind of fucked-up." Said a spokesperson for the governor, "The state cannot legally destroy the property." That's right. Kansas, a state with some of the harshest anti-abortion laws in the nation, can't get rid of the property it says it doesn't want. The state is forced to keep the thousands of sex toys or sell them.

And that, dear readers, is even more ironic than a man named "Brownback" selling butt plugs.