What Obama Should Say 2012, Part 3 (Rude Version):
If, at tonight's debate on foreign policy between Barack Obama and Republican candidate Mitt Romney, moderator Bob Schieffer asks about the United States' relationship with Israel and the President doesn't say, "Here's the difference between you and me, Governor. If Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu was standing in front of me with his pants and underwear around his ankles and he told me to suck him off, I'd do it. I'd go to town on that circumcised dick. I'd work the shaft, I'd massage his balls with my tongue, I'd make him jizz so hard that they'd hear him yell all the way from Gaza to the Dead Sea. Now, if he was standing in front of you, you'd do the exact same thing, except that you'd stick your finger in his asshole and massage his prostate until he blew his load in your face. And then you'd use his semen to glaze your hair. Now, really, that's it. Either way, Bibi's gettin' blown. I just prefer to do it without having to clean shit from under my fingernail when it's over.
"What the fuck do Republicans want? At least have the 'nads to come out and say that you're hot to bomb Iran. Come on, Governor. 'Cause, see, that's all that's on the table if you don't think I'm being tough enough. That's it. Oh, and maybe actually talking to them, but, shit, it's an election, and diplomacy is weakness, I get it. Shee-it, I listened to that nattering old woman, Lindsey Graham, say yesterday that 'the time for talking is over.' Motherfucker can rake me over the coals as much as he wants, call for investigations, talk tough for a soccer grandma. But he still won't say it. None of you will. Because you're shit-scared of saying so 'cause the country is just seein' the end of the two wars you started last time and you don't want another one on your ticket. Because you know that if you do really bomb Iran, Israel will be snuffed out faster than a birthday candle in a hurricane.
"Governor, every time you speak about world affairs you either lie or say the exact same policy I have, except with more fake tough guy words. You said last debate that I went around 'apologizing' to our enemies. Prove it. You said I didn't sign any new trade agreements. Prove it. You say I'm being a little bitch to China. Prove it.
"I'll tell you what I can prove. What's your foreign policy experience, Governor? That the French weren't nice to you when you tried to get them to join your cult? That you had fuck fantasies about Austrian female lugers while you ran the Olympics? That you ran or owned companies that sent jobs overseas so that you could turn a profit. Christ, you couldn't even go to England without stumbling over your dick and farting in the Queen's face? Hamid Karzai will eat your brain out of your fuckin' skull.
"And, truly, I cannot say this enough: I had Osama bin Laden killed. Your guy couldn't get it done in seven and a half years. I did it in less than three. And I did it by going into Pakistan and getting it done. Action talks, motherfucker. And bullshit? Take it out of the fuckin' building. Oh, by the way, America, you know who said in 2007 that we shouldn't go into another country to get bin Laden? Mitt 'Sittin' Right at This Table' Romney. He was wrong. I was right. Proof. Right there. Clear as a bullet in the eye. You said wouldn't have gone in. I did.
"Now I know you're gonna say that what happened in Libya was an enormous fuck-up. Well, it was. And the story kept changing as we got more information, so the story my administration was telling the public was changing. Now we know what happened, and, hey, look here, we were right all along. It was a protest and it was a terrorist act. But lemme ask you something, Mitt. If we hadn't said a word, if we had said, 'We will report to the American people when we have all the facts,' what would you have done? Oh, wait. We know what you would have done because you did it. You would have gone out in public with your dick exposed and tried to blame the violence on me.
"You pampered little priss. You would be eaten alive by the shit that goes on out there. No, I wasn't the most experienced dude when I took office, but I had been out in the world, the whole world, not just the world of privilege, not the world of servants who would wipe my ass with their tongues if it would get them a second look from me. No, the world that people, the vast majority of people, exist in. It's a world that you never even knew existed, bitch, and I'm still not sure you do" then the debate will be useless.