What Mitt Romney May as Well Have Said at Today's "News" Conference:
And so it was that Mitt Romney, the blithering, doltish, bourgeois cockknob who is the presumptive Republican nominee for the most highest, powerfullest power position in the entirety of the globular Earth, held a "news" conference today to dance a grotesque jig on the somewhat sad jobs report released today.

Said Romney, "In the case of President Obama, this is not a monthly statistic or even a yearly statistic. We've looked at now almost four years of policies that have not gotten America working again." What he was really saying was, "Those Republican bags of shit in the Senate have blocked just about anything President Obama has wanted to do to help the economy."

On a break from riding bitch with his wife driving the jet ski, Romney offered, "Millions and millions of families are struggling and suffering because the president's policies have not worked for them." Which translates to: "No, seriously, any time President Obama has wanted to do something to improve the jobs situation, Republican motherfuckers have taken the legislation and wiped their asses with it. Then they handed it back to the White House saying, 'Enjoy the stink of our shit stain.' And if he protested, they whined, 'Obama won't play nice with us.'"

In a moment when he wasn't improvising a poor haiku about the lemony taste of lemonade, Romney talked about his splendiferous 59-point plan o' job market stimulation: "I have put out 59 steps for how I would get the economy going, and I don't think I have seen any from the president that show what he's planning on doing. I laid out my 59 steps. Take a look at them, I think you'll find them very specific." Of course, Obama's jobs plan would be the piece of legislation that Republicans won't even vote on. But, no, really, Romney's campaign PDF is far more of an actual plan, if by "plan," you mean, "forced face fucking." (The Rude Pundit's read it. It pretty much says, "Undo everything done by Obama and put back in the Bush era policies that dicked us over in the first place," except it goes on for 87 pages.)

Standing in a hardware store, no doubt to buy implements to torture more dogs, Romney stated, "My plan calls for action that will get America working again and create good jobs in the near term and long term." He may as well have said, "Really, if Obama is reelected, Republicans are such fucking assholes that they would just spend the next four years cock blocking any effort that looks like it might work just because they could. Elect me and, even though my plan would tank the economy further for everyone but me and my rich cocksucker friends, shit will get passed." And then he went off to jet ski some more, which for some reason is totally not elitist like wind-surfing.