Random Observations About the House GOP's "Pledge to America":
Today, the House Republicans, led by Annoying Orange John Boehner, unveiled their "ideas" for the future in a "document" that's titled "A Pledge to America." Unlike the "Contract with America," which was a brief and vicious one-page manifesto, this bad boy's about 100 pounds of shit in a 20-page pamphlet. This is supposed to be the big GOP "agenda" for what they'll do if given back the Congress on a silver platter forged from fear and stupidity. A few things:

1. Could everyone just stop talking about the current crises in America as being caused by Barack Obama's agenda? Seriously, the right-wing drama queens act as if they've been living under years of oppression and hunger in a Soviet-era dictatorship instead of 19 months under a politically moderate, legally-elected president. We did live under eight years of Bush, though. Speaking of Americans "yearning to be free" and to self-determine shit, the Pledge says, "Whenever the agenda of government becomes destructive of these ends, it is the right of the people to institute a new governing agenda and set a different course." Hey, you know what, Mike Pence and the rest? We did vote to institute a new governing agenda, Obama's. Senate Republicans have prevented its passage. Maybe you could complain if we were, you know, being governed by it. But, fuck it. Why bother to really try Obama's agenda when we can just go back to the one that ass-fucked us in the first place? Kudos, Tea Party.

2. You know how you know your "Pledge" is bullshit? Easy test: scan the entire things for the words "cut" or "reduce." If you're serious about cutting or reducing spending, some specific things ought to come up, no? Sure, man, it's got all kinds of mighty phrases, like "cutting discretionary spending." But other than cutting Congress's budget (and not saying by how much), Republicans can "Pledge" to a vague notion and not say, "Oh, sorry, Nebraska, but that power plant's canceled."

3. You know how you know your "Pledge" to cut spending is bullshit? When you say that you're gonna shovel money into the defense budget like Casey Jones with a shovel and a pile of coal. "Fully Fund Missile Defense" is part of the Republicans' promise to make sure that, while your roads and schools may suck ass, military contractors get to keep sucking milk from the tax teat.

4. You know how else you know your "Pledge" is bullshit? By using as examples of how the Democratic Congress is dysfunctional things that actually demonstrate that the system and the rules work, often in your favor. The GOP says of the health care debate, "Speaker Pelosi and Rules Committee Chairwoman Louise Slaughter publicly discussed a plan to allow the House to pass the bill without a vote by the House." What happened during this horrible moment in our failed democracy? Was the Slaughter Rule allowed to slaughter America? Nope: "House Democrats eventually abandoned the scheme under the weight of a sustained public outcry."

Another example of the nightmare? "When the House was poised to consider legislation to impose a 'cap-and-trade' national energy tax, a 300-page 'manager’s amendment' rewriting key provisions of the bill without a separate vote was dropped in the laps of lawmakers at 3:00 am. The House began debate on the bill just a few hours later." Yes, and now we all live under the thumb of the cap-and-trade green socialistas, no? No. Republicans in the Senate threatened to filibuster the entire climate bill, thus stopping Obama's agenda again.

5. And don't quote shit without context. The "Pledge" uses an abused John F. Kennedy line: "An economy constrained by high tax rates will never produce enough revenue to balance the budget, just as it will never create enough jobs." Yeah, he did say it. And he proposed a tax cut, which was passed after he was assassinated. It reduced the highest marginal tax rate from 91% to 70%. Sure, it was a tax cut, but you can't use a fantasy JFK to think that he'd believe that 35% is an unfair income tax on the wealthiest Americans. Don't anger zombie JFK. Motherfucker needs brains.

6. The "Pledge" says, "End TARP Once and For All: Americans are rightly outraged at the bailouts of businesses and entities that force responsible taxpayers to subsidize irresponsible behavior. We will cancel the Troubled Asset Relief Program (TARP), a move that would save taxpayers roughly $16 billion." Of the current House GOP leadership, John Boehner, Eric Cantor, and Pete Sessions all voted for it. Shouldn't they be held accountable by the caucus for bringing about the current crisis?