Rush Limbaugh Dined For Your Sins:
Rush Limbaugh has not seen his penis since the 1960s. When he "lost" all that weight so quickly about ten years ago, the flap of stretched stomach flesh still blocked his view. And now that he's gained it all back, there hasn't even been a shadow visible. No, it's been a very, very long time. Memory is a callous mistress. The women that he met, married, and/or fucked all had the same arc of description in the course of the relationship. Early on, when he would say, as foreplay, "Tell me what my cock looks like," they would describe it as "magnificent in its girth" or "so huge it hurts," anything to keep up Limbaugh's confidence so he could maintain an erection because sometimes, no matter how much Viagra you're downing like Tic-Tacs, you can still get the big psychological blood blockage and, alas, damned flaccidity follows. Ask Daryn Kagan. She'll tell you of nights with Limbaugh where her pussy felt like it had been slapped repeatedly with a dried vienna sausage, where the radio host wept that his ham hock arms couldn't reach around his couch pillow gut to yank himself into tumescence, where Kagan comforted him by cooing how very big it was, how it frightened her. Well, she actually had to yell it so he could hear, but it was shouted version of cooing. Soothing, but loud.

Of course, as the relationship turned sour, the women would tell him they lied, that he had a tiny prick, the size of a newborn's thumb. As far as Limbaugh's concerned, lovers only tell the truth while they're loving. Yes, them and Dominican child prostitutes. Yes, it has all left Limbaugh with delusions of grandeur about his dick. He has no direct evidence that he's right about it, only the word of the sycophantic and the paid. But that doesn't stop him from going online, whenever he's shifted his girth from his radio chair to his home computer chair, and claiming that he's got a ginormous johnson. It is the way of rich men who are so morbidly, revoltingly obese that even their wealth can't attract partners. The truth about his cock size is insignificant here. Reality is merely an impediment. The only thing that matters is it's all about Rush Limbaugh's dick.

In his appearance this past Saturday at CPAC (motto: "Pretending this matters since 1973"), Limbaugh was at his most pathetic, attention-whoring in a way that'd make actual whores say, "You don't need to actually show your snatch to get customers." One could go through the speech line by line and demonstrate every contradiction, every historical fucktardery, every just plain wrong idea or "fact," but none of us has that much time (however, see examples in the notes below). We could spend our time talking about what the fuck CNN was thinking in airing the entire speech live.

Instead, let's just say this: Rush Limbaugh (and Sean Hannity and every other conservative bag of shit that's piled up on the curbs of our nation) is fucking thrilled that Barack Obama is President. He is not a politician. He is only beholden to corporations. He is merely an ephemeral presence. He exists only as long as his ratings stay high. And Obama's win is a goddamned gift because he and his legions of taint-licking, deluded, chanting drones can work themselves into some kind of froth about every goddamn thing that Democrats do for the next 2, 4, or 8 years. He just got a new lease on life, motherfuckers, and that's like another legal scrip for oxycontin. Pure fuckin' bliss, man.

If the face the Republicans want for its future is this, this sweaty self-aggrandizer, this fat fuck, this demonstrable embodiment of the seven deadly sins, he who is everything that we should hate about capitalism and, indeed, the indulgences of this nation, Diamond Jim Brady without the class, this proud rube who spouts lies and hatred, then bring it, bitches. Like so many on the right, Limbaugh is using the same goddamn lines he's been using for years. He has no idea what he's up against this time. The vast majority of the nation has moved on from the sad plump man in his tiny room.

Contradiction: Limbaugh said that liberals were "afraid of offending" Joseph Stalin, and then he criticized Joe Biden for the then-candidate saying that 7-11 employees were Indian, explaining that if conservatives said something so outrageous, they'd be excoriated. Apparently, aligning the left with a mass murderer is not outrageous.

Historical fucktardery: Limbaugh talked about how the New Deal and the Great Society programs wrecked this country when previously he wondered "How did the United States of America become the world's lone super power, the world's economic engine, the most prosperous opportunity for an advanced lifestyle that humanity has ever known?" (China would probably like to dispute at least two of those notions.) Since that has only happened, truly, since the 1940s, one might like to think that the very things that Limbaugh criticizes didn't exactly hinder the country.

Just plain wrong: Limbaugh said, "We believe that the Preamble of the Constitution contains an inarguable truth, that we are all endowed by our creator with certain inalienable rights -- among them life, liberty, freedom, and the pursuit of happiness." Does this even need to be explained?