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Ah, yes, sweet and heavenly mercies, the Rude Pundit has received his prayifyin' marchin' orders fer the week. The Rude Pundit (under a nom de rude) is a member of the Super Duper Prayer Team of the Family Research Council. And every week, we proud team members receive a list of stuff that we should be a-prayin' fer. This week's list was conspicuous for its absence of, say, Harry Whittington or the children of Darfur. But, oh, hell, yeah, we got us a big ol' stack o' shit to be prayifyin' fer. As FRC President Tony "We All Go a Little Mad Sometimes" Perkins informs us "Praying Friends," as he calls us, "In an election year some politicians try to bury controversial measures, but prayer will make a difference for these do-able initiatives." Now, the last time the Rude Pundit prayed to make something "do-able," it was in reference to a member of the Danish women's ski team while smoking opium in her Copenhagen loft.

However, Perkins has other things on his mind than the long, lithe legs of an ungodly hot Danish blonde skier, legs that could squeeze the very marrow from your hip bones as you beg for more. Perkins wants us to gird our loins for other battles, over such obscure, but promising, wedge issues, like the House and Senate bills called the Parents Right to Know Act (or, as Perkins cutely calls it, the "Defund Planned Parenthood" act). Intro'd in the Senate by Tom Coburn and co-sponsored by assorted insane Republicans (like Rick Santorum), the act requires parental notification for any minor getting prescription contraceptives.

There's a laundry list of bills, many of which are bunched up in committee, like a wayward thong, but a couple of which might see the light of day if Perkins starts the Super-Duper Prayer Team a-prayin'. Like the House bill that Perkins calls the "Defund the ACLU" act, or, as it's filed, the Public Expression of Religion Act. The act would limit civil damages in lawsuits against localities based on religious discrimination. Or the elegantly named Human Chimera Prohibition Act, sponsored by Sam Brownback and other assorted insane Republicans (like Rick Santorum), which means you'll have to wait a little while longer for those tricked out dolphin fins, as well as halting any research where a couple o' cells are injected into an embryo to help with research into diseases, you know, what's generally known as "science."

These issues and more, like the Unborn Child Pain Awareness Act, the self-explanatory Broadcast Decency Enforcement Act, and more, generally having to do with abortion and judges, are what we need to be prayin' for, says Perkins. Indeed, on the never-dying Marriage Protection Amendment, Perkins says, "Please continue to pray with us that the U.S. Senate will pass the Federal Marriage Protection Amendment and that God will stir the pastors and people of every state successfully to amend their constitutions to preserve marriage as a union between one man and one woman."

As election season heats up, and the things that really matter to the nation, like say, the war in Iraq and government secrecy and Republican Congressional scandals, start to drive the polls over to the Democratic side, we can all look forward to hearing Bill O'Reilly spitting mad over contraception parental notification, Sean Hannity screeching like a monkey with its nuts in a vice over gay marriage, and Rush Limbaugh ironically blowing out farts over broadcast decency. Man, the Rude Pundit can't wait to get to prayin'.