John Roberts Is No Stealth Nominee:
Fuck his writings, fuck his interviews, fuck the cases he's tried, fuck the cases he's decided. John Roberts is a known quantity for one simple reason: he was nominated by George W. Bush. And to trust these vicious bastards for a moment is to end up with a shiv in your ribs.

Here's a line from the bizarro Senate confirmation hearings of Roberts that got little play. When Russ Feingold was asking Roberts about a potential conflict of interest in Roberts being interviewed to be nominated to the Supreme Court while he was judging the Hamdan v. Rumsfeld appeal on the Bush administration's rights of detention, Feingold said, "You had further interviews on May 3rd concerning a possible appointment to the court with numerous White House officials, including Karl Rove, the vice president and the White House counsel before the decision in the Hamdan case was released." Which leads to an inevitable question about Roberts, the "stealth" candidate:

Is there anyone, Democrat or Republican, who thinks that Roberts got out of interviews with Rove and Cheney without them knowing exactly how he would rule on every goddamn issue that might come up, from Roe v. Wade to enemy combatant cases? Rove and Cheney may be "masterful" politicians, but, to be sure, they are not subtle men. Shit, the fact that Rove even interviewed Roberts means that the political operation was under way.

If while talking to Rove, Roberts had dared to say about, you know, gay marriage, "I don't want to discuss anything about what's at issue in the case," Rove would have gone bugfuck insane, snapping for his goons to grab Roberts and hold him while the President's political advisor himself yanked down Roberts' pants and looped a fishing line lasso around the appellate court judge's nuts. Then Rove would have shown Roberts the price of not answering the questions directly, saying that he will ask Roberts a series of questions and for every squishy legalism Roberts gave, Rove would add weight to the end of the fishing line until it cut off the circulation to Roberts' balls, hell, until it cut off Roberts' nutsack altogether. Sure, Roberts might have had a brief erection of fear and suspense and desire, since Rove's sexual predilections are well-known inside the Beltway; shit, Roberts might have even given a "I might have to rule on that issue" answer once, but as soon as he felt the monfilament line around his scrotum tighten, he'd've spilled his guts like a cow carcass in a slaughterhouse.

And as for Roberts' interview with Cheney? Well, let's just say that if Roberts didn't answer questions directly, the femur of a Gitmo detainee who committed suicide would have needed to have been removed from Roberts' colon.

So let's stop playing these stupid fucking games of "Is-he-really-a-moderate?" The Bush White House knows exactly what Roberts will do, on every goddamn case that makes it to the Supreme Court. Or else they wouldn't have nominated him. This adminstration micromanages every fuckin' message that it's associated with. And you can bet they've got photos of Roberts in his Peppermint Patty outfit going down on the male classmate who played Snoopy or some such shit as insurance that Roberts will play nicely.

As for the Democrats who are deciding how to vote on Roberts, howzabout this advice: is there a reason to vote for him? So often, when Bush nominates someone, the Democrats are put in the position of having to find out where Alberto Gonzales buried his hobos, to try to come up with reasons not to vote someone into a position. But this ain't the cabinet. Roberts may be the grand glorious bench-sittin' fucker in the nation; he may be the shit and a half as a lawyer. But Roberts ain't up for assistant manager at McDonald's. How fast he can dish out the fries doesn't make a bit of difference. This is for the biggest motherfucker on the biggest motherfuckin' court in the land, so perhaps the standards oughta be higher than, "Well, shit, he didn't give us any reason to say no." No, see, the standard here is "Did he give me a reason to say 'yes'?"

If Roberts doesn't get the job, then he'll go back to bein' a judge, living off his millions, with just the scars of his interviews with Cheney and Rove to remind him of the process.